baby #1: the moment i found out

Hey ya'll - looking back on some of my journal entries, I found this piece that I wrote talking about the moment I found out I was pregnant with my first baby, Lincoln. I wanted to share my story here because it ties into figuring out when the RIGHT time to have a baby is. What I found through this experience is that, sometimes, there is no "right time". I think Hayley and I can agree that our unplanned pregnancies (though different stories) with Lucca and Lincoln, have ABSOLUTELY changed our lives for the better - and are (without a doubt) God's miracle and God's gift. While in the moment, I'm sure both of us worried (for different reasons) that these babies would change our lives before we were ready, we both couldn't have asked for our little angels in a more perfect time and way.

Now that I face a similar (yet different) story recently finding out that I am pregnant with baby #2 - somewhat unplanned - I know that God's timing is absolutely perfect and that our baby is meant to be. I have different fears now than I did with Lincoln. With Lincoln, my fears were about my career and the idea that I wasn't ready for a baby - or that it didn't measure up to the so-called "plan" I had created for myself. I also feared that Ryan and I didn't get enough time as a married couple - just the two of us.

With baby #2, I fear that I didn't spend enough time with just having one - my baby Lincoln. I fear that he may feel left out or unloved when we have baby #2. I fear that I will be overwhelmed with a new baby, and may not have the energy or time to give Lincoln all the love he needs and deserves. At the same time, I know how much my life changed for the better when Lincoln came into my world. With baby #2, I expect the same; I anticipate that my heart will grow even bigger and a new place of love will be created for this sweet little kiddo.

​Check out my story here about my experience, thoughts and feelings when I found out I was pregnant with Lincoln:

So, Ryan and I were recently married on July 19th, 2014. After getting married, we honeymooned in Kauai then came home to the whirlwind of what was our day-to-day life. Ryan began his new job, transitioning from the US Attorney's office to working in the criminal tax division at the Department of Justice. On the other hand, I started opening term at Georgetown University, kicking off the start to my MBA program. To my surprise, opening term was one of the hardest few months of my life. I transitioned from not working much, planning the wedding of my dreams and marrying the man of my dreams - to being thrown into hours and hours of nonstop classes with unfamiliar faces, all of whom were insanely smart and competitive. What did I get myself into? I thought.

Opening term was coming to a close and I was counting down the minutes. For whatever reason, I was more tired than usual and my stomach was nauseous all of the time. I know what you are thinking... she is pregnant, duh. Well no, I wasn't. That kind of thing doesn't happen to me. An unplanned pregnancy? No way. I'm too much of a planner! It didn't yet fit into my life plan. The "plan" at the moment, was to finish school at Georgetown. Kick butt. Graduate at the top of my class. Get an awesome job out of school OR start my own company, even better. Work for a few years... THEN, consider having a family. Having a baby was far down the line. As such, I attributed my feelings of fatigue to being overworked in school and nausea to my newfound relationship with acidic coffee.
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However, the fatigue and nausea were starting to get the best of me. In fact, my parents were visiting us in Washington, DC over my birthday weekend and I had zero energy, which is abnormal given that I don't get to see them often.  It wasn't until my birthday, September 20th, that I woke up feeling extra worn out that I knew something was up. Usually, I am the type to jump out of bed on my birthday, feeling extra good, and plan a day of festivities - maybe mimosas in the morning, then shopping around Georgetown topped off with a nice dinner. However, I woke up at 9:30am (what?) and was anything but excited on my 27th birthday. I walked into our living room and found Ryan greeting me with a specialty latte from Dean and Deluca, and a good morning/birthday hug. But I wasn't having it. I looked at him with a pout on my face and collapsed onto the couch. I was drained. 

The following day, after my parents left, Ryan approached me with a stern look on his face and said, "I am worried about you," he sincerely told me. "I didn't meet you like this - tired and unenthusiastic about life - we need to figure out what is wrong with you because this is no way to live your life." I gave him a sad look, however, I was too tired to fight back, so I shook my head and agreed that I needed to seek help. Whether I was anemic, or what, I need to find out what was making me not want to get up off of the couch everyday. We continued brainstorming ideas with our final conclusions to go see a doctor to have some blood-work done, but first to take a pregnancy test to check that off of our list. "I am not pregnant," I thought, but might as well cross it off of the list.

So that night, Sunday, September 21st, Ryan ran over to CVS in Georgetown and picked up a Clearblue Pregnancy Test. He arrived home to find me relaxed on the couch, no surprise. Right away, I took the test into the bathroom and did what us girls do to find out the inevitable. Was I nervous? No, not really. To be honest, I had been in this situation before and the outcome was never "pregnant." So I was relaxed, really for the first time while taking one of these tests. After putting the cap back on the applicator, I waited and watched without anticipation or anxiety. Then,  shock and horror came over my face. There is NO way, I thought. It can't be. It's wrong. I'm reading it wrong. I mean, the line is really faint. It can't be right. I checked and double checked the directions - was I reading this correctly?? I swallowed with wide-eyes and walked outside into our living room, beginning to pace. Ryan, who was casually starting to snack in the kitchen glanced over and naively asked, "Did you take it?" I stared at him wide-eyed. My mouth opened, but no words came out until I said it, soft and confused, "I'm pregnant." 

"I don't know how this could have happened. I'm pregnant." I kept repeating the words and tracing thoughts of how this reality could have came to be. What in the world was happening to me right now? My train of thought was interrupted by my husband's loud, boisterous laughter, something he does when he is reacting to a total surprise that becomes almost comical. I stared at him blankly. "But this wasn't part of my plan," I said softly. I sat slowly onto our ottoman, when he came and sat right beside me. "How do you think it happened?" he sweetly asked.

"I don't know, I mean we were both so busy and I just don't know." I said. We looked at each other stunned and confused. However, Ryan's stunned and confused lasted for about 10.5 seconds until he got up from the ottoman and proceeded with normal life, heading to the kitchen to continue snacking. It always bewildered, yet inspired me that he looked at life so freely. "Well," he said, "We are going to be parents!"

After the initial shock had worn in, my stun and bewilderment continued, but slowly I became a little excited. I am going to have a baby, I thought. At the moment, I didn't know what that really meant, but I knew that it was good. I knew that I was excited and I knew that it was meant to be. Everything leading up to this moment was right, and I could feel it in every way.

I had worked my entire life so hard, and especially now, with business school. I had aspired to be so much and it was so hard. I had tried and tried to be this student and career woman and fought against the grain, learning things that complexed and challenged me, sometimes in the best way possible but also sometimes to a fault. In this moment, I knew that I was on the right track and all of the sudden the thought of long hours I needed to spend on business school homework became unexplainably not as intimidating anymore. My load had been lightened in a weird way. I was going to bring a life into this world, and nothing could top that, nor stop it.

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