Hi ladies!

With the holiday season upon us, I have been reflecting on this past year. It has been a whirlwind to say the least. We moved to a new city, Nashville, where we have fallen in love, made amazing new friendships and have finally put down some roots (yay!). Then in March, we welcomed our second son, V, have spent the past nine months ingratiating him into our family and getting to know this sweet little guy. And last but not least, we have witnessed our "baby"/first-born, grow into a little boy and started him at a wonderful pre-school for the first time. With all of these emotional highs, I feel happy and so full looking back on this past year. So full that it almost seems unreal that I experienced one of the darkest periods of my life.

Today, I am going to talk about this dark spot, also known as postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety, that I experienced this past year. It is a difficult topic in general and for me personally, however, I believe in sharing my story that I may be able to find further release from it and that I can also help relate to other women who have encountered the same. It is interesting because as a mother of two I had heard of women battling postpartum depression/anxiety, but never fully grasped what it looked like or meant until I endured it myself.

The days that I endured the worst of my postpartum depression and the trauma that followed were some of the worst in my life. In the midst of such a beautiful time with two beautiful baby boys and a wonderful husband, I was experiencing an unexpected and complete disaster both mentally and physically. And with two little babies relying on me for everything, it seemed to exacerbate the problem. Before I could grasp the issue or understand what was happening, my postpartum anxiety soon manifested itself physically through migraines and nausea, and I ended up in the ER. It is crazy what postpartum depression and anxiety can do to the body.

Thankfully, yet sadly I am not alone. According to the CDC, 11% to 20% of women in the United States face some version of PPD. With 4 million live births in the US annually, this would mean that approximately 600,000 women experience postpartum depression. Keep in mind that this number represents only what has been "reported", so the actual number is likely a lot higher if you consider all of the women who don't report their specific cases. Not to mention, other cases of maternal depression, such as prenatal depression/anxiety, which often is not talked about.

Before I get into the start of my story, I want to preface this post a disclaimer, if you will, because postpartum depression and anxiety (or PPDA as I will refer to it) is something that is to be taken very seriously and should be under the care of a medical professional. First point, I am in no way an expert on the topic of PPDA. Before it happened to me, my understanding of the topic was somewhat far off. Now that I have gone through what I think was PPDA and have a baseline understanding for what my personal experience of it was, I will say that in my research and in talking to some professionals, each person's experience of PPDA can be quite unique. It is not a one-size fits all disease, and therefore certain symptoms and also cures may very much be entirely different. Therefore, please do not take my words as truth if they do not resonate with you and your story. Your experience may be different than mine and may also require an entirely different regimen of care and healing. Do that. Again, I recommend that you use this blog post only as an anecdotal experience rather than a form of treatment.

Last point, I drafted an entire story of my PPD experience; downfall and recovery. I am not going to share that today, as it a very long, meticulous and deep. Some of it was documented when I was actually going through PPDA - and is a little too heavy and a little too much, especially over the holidays! So, I decided that I will share that at a later time (or for those who need it). Instead, I figured this Q+A would be a good start to give an overall picture of my experience with PPDA (postpartum depression + anxiety) that will hopefully be more helpful and to-the-point. 

My PPDA started around six months postpartum. Now looking back, I'll say that I did start having some symptoms a few weeks before the six month postpartum mark, but the full-blown PPDA didn't start until six months postpartum (literally on the dot).

All of my answers here are anecdotal, again, so please don't take this as fact, but my PPDA counselor told me that PPDA can happen at any time within the first year postpartum. So it doesn't have to be right after you deliver your baby. My counselor also told me (anecdotally) that PPDA often comes on in three month increments postpartum. So often times you will see women have onsets of PPDA symptoms at three months, six months, nine months, and twelve months postpartum. It can, however, happen at any time.
I have also heard many stories of women having prenatal depression/anxiety. So before giving birth, it can be common to have symptoms, as well. 

Before the six-month postpartum mark, I started noticing that caffeine was effecting me differently. Instead of giving me a boost, it started giving me headaches, making me more lethargic and noticeably contributed to my anxiety. I am already somewhat of an anxious personality, but I have very manageable anxiety (or at least I think that I do). Again, I was noticeably more anxious; so anxious, in fact, that my sleep patterns became irregular. I also had a faster heartbeat (uncontrollably) and suffered from one panic attack (before any of the full-blown PPD kicked in).
I also started noticing that little things, like leaving the house, became overwhelming. I understand that with two kids it is now harder to leave the house than it was without kids or even with one kid, but I noticed that mundane activities that I used to be able to do became very overwhelming for me. So overwhelming that it became somewhat paralyzing.
In addition to the caffeine impact and feelings of being overwhelmed, my brain and vision felt foggy. I will talk about this fogginess more in the next point. I felt this symptom sooner than all of the other symptoms. I probably felt this around three months postpartum, especially in the later afternoons. I didn't do much about it because I had heard about mommy fog and thought it would go away on it's own. It didn't; instead, it got worse. Again, it felt like blurriness; like I couldn't see or think clearly.

The biggest physical symptoms: headaches, constant nausea, loss of appetite, fatigue.
The biggest mental symptoms: fogginess, depression, anxiety, feelings of being overwhelmed.

I will start with physical symptoms. I started having headaches for a few weeks on and off. They came on gradually. Again, at first I thought it was my caffeine (my daily espresso) intake that was causing the headaches. I tried cutting out caffeine, but I wasn't successful. Ultimately, my headaches became debilitating. At the six-month mark postpartum, I started having extremely painful headaches, like migraines, that felt like an enormous pressure on top of my head. They were so bad that I couldn't see straight and felt unsafe caring for my kids. The headaches became so debilitating that one day I drove myself to urgent care. Urgent care then instructed me to drive myself to the ER, which I did. At the ER I had an MRI and was checked out by doctors who diagnosed my headaches as "tension headaches". While they might have been tension headaches, they were most definitely symptoms of postpartum depression/anxiety. None of the doctors I saw at this point told me that headaches were associated with PPD. It wasn't until a google search and adding up all of my symptoms that I realized PPD was the cause.
I also had constant nausea and no appetite whatsoever. I'm not sure if the nausea was causing the loss of appetite or visa versa; or maybe even the pain of the headaches causing the nausea. I have no clue. All I know is that I was constantly nauseous. I was so nauseous that I was convinced that I was pregnant again because it felt like severe morning sickness. I took several pregnancy tests, but obviously was not pregnant. When I went to the ER, they also gave me a pregnancy test, I believe via blood, and it was also negative.

As for mental symptoms, the biggest symptom I had was mental fogginess. The mental fogginess started (now looking back) maybe around three months postpartum. I had difficulty, especially in the later afternoon and evenings with mental fogginess. Essentially, I felt as if my brain wasn't processing on all cylinders and that mentally I was in a fog. I wasn't sharp, had difficulty concentrating, and also had difficulty seeing clearly. Sometimes I felt like I had to squint to see clearly. Once I hit the six-month point, my fogginess became unbearable. I'm not sure if the fogginess caused me to be depressed or it was the postpartum depression that caused the fogginess, either way I became very sad that I felt this way.
I also felt feelings of depression and anxiety. The feelings of depression were kind of bi-polar. It's not like I was in a constant state of depression, however, the symptoms I was having (the headaches, nausea, fogginess, etc.) all made me feel very depressed. I didn't feel like my happy, bubbly self. Generally, I can fight off feelings of sadness because that is my personality, but this time I couldn't fight my way out of it. 
In addition to feelings of depression, I also felt very anxious. There were countless situations that I faced while enduring PPD that I had to remove myself from because of how overwhelming anxious I felt. For instance, on my thirtieth birthday my husband took me out to eat. We sat down and anxiety/fogginess overtook me. I told him that we had to leave and that I couldn't finish the dinner. I begged him to help me feel better.
I also remember (several times) nursing V to sleep in his dim-lit nursery and felt as if I couldn't do it; I was in a panic and couldn't sit there and nurse him. I literally had to physically set him in his crib, walk out of the room and compose myself. It was a horrible heart-racing feeling that I'd wish upon no one. While I had anxiety during the day, I also had it at night. I'd go to sleep with a racing heart and couldn't fall asleep; almost as if I had insomnia or something. On a few occasions I had to take Benadryl to calm myself down to sleep. I hated that because I felt groggy the next day. And with mommy fog, any additional grogginess was bad.

Initially, I was in-denial that I had PPD. The thought of being (and staying) depressed scared me. I've definitely encountered feelings of sadness sporadically in my life, but nothing that compared to how I felt when this all hit me at six months postpartum. It felt like my sanity had been overtaken. Psychologically, I was not okay. Again, I was used to being able to exercise and feel better or drink some caffeine and feel better, but this dark cloud over me along with the mental and physical symptoms all made me feel depressed and highly anxious.
I knew it had to be some sort of PPD because it hit me all at once, but also wasn't sure because of the delayed onset at six months postpartum. At first, the physical symptoms started (the headaches and nausea), which lead me to the ER, where I picked up more clues from the doctors that it might be PPD, although none of the doctors mentioned anything about PPD. All they said is that it was "stress-induced" symptoms. A few days later, I felt the anxiety and depression worsen, so bad that I desperately called doctors in a fiery: PPD counselors and psychiatrists. At this point I was desperate to figure out what had overtaken me. I felt like I was going crazy.
I was able to get into a PPD counselor and also a holistic doctor. It was the PPD counselor who informed me about the onset and about the symptoms. As I continued to endure the PPD symptoms, I still wasn't confident that it was PPD, although I couldn't imagine it being anything else. I was scared in those moments that the PPD wouldn't go away, especially after having googled "how long PPD lasts" to find that the most popular answer said "1 to 3 years." Now that I am looking back and out of the PPD, I can 1) confidently say that it was some form of PPD/PPA and 2) confidently say that it took me 2 months (of hardcore symptoms) to get out of it. More on this later..

So again, at first I had physical symptoms (the headaches and nausea) that forced me to go to urgent care and then to the ER. At this point, I still wasn't sure I knew what was happening to me, but I KNEW that something was wrong. Knowing that I was desperate for help, the first thing I did was tell my husband and close family about the PPD. I also told my nanny.
Let me also say that I didn't tell my husband/family in a way that was like, "Hey guys, I am going through PPD. I need help." It was more like, "I have no idea what is going on with me. I have headaches and crazy bad nausea. I don't feel like myself, my vision is blurry. Something is wrong. I have no clue what it is, but I am desperate for help. Please help me get better." It was more a cry of desperation rather than a calm explanation that I was enduring postpartum depression. 
As a result, my sister ended up flying out from California to Nashville to be with me. It was extremely helpful to have her to lean on while I endured the symptoms. While my sister was here, I was able to organize some doctors appointments. And it's funny I say "organize", it was more of frantic desperation to get into see anyone that could help me.
By the grace of God, I got in to see a holistic doctor. I also scheduled an appointment with a postpartum depression and anxiety specialist. I will talk more about the doctors I saw in later points.
​After my sister left, my parents flew in to help. They helped BIG time, whoa. I will talk about this in later points, as well. I honestly don't think I could have gotten out of this depression without them. Fact. Then, after my parents left my mother-in-law came in to help.
I also started talking to other women (especially mothers) about my symptoms. In doing this, I was comforted that I wasn't alone. Friends shared multiple stories, personally or about someone they knew, who had encountered postpartum depression. This was empowering and encouraging. First, it made me feel comforted that I wasn't alone. Second, it gave me information about the disease that I could use for healing.

I saw an urgent care doctor for the headaches/nausea. He wanted to rule out anything wrong with my brain, such as a brain tumor, so he sent me to the ER.
I then saw the ER doctors. After a clear MRI and clean bill of health, they diagnosed the headaches/nausea as "stress-induced" tension headaches. They prescribed me Moloxicam for the headaches (which may or may not be safe while nursing) and Zofran for the nausea. Sorry if I'm misspelling any of these. I didn't take the Moloxicam ever because I was worried that it wasn't proven safe for a nursing mother. #stubborn . I did take the Zofran a few times when my nausea was painful, and honestly should have taken it a lot more. I am super weird about taking prescription drugs while nursing even when doctors tell me they are safe, as in the instance of Zofran. It wasn't until my holistic doctor told me that Zofran was safe that I felt more comfortable taking it. Ha!
Next, I saw a holistic doctor, which I highly recommend. Friends/people recommended I see a holistic doctor and at first I scoffed at the idea. Now having gone through all of this, he was probably one of the most helpful doctors. He listened to all of my symptoms, even my mental symptoms, and gave me some natural techniques to reduce stress and tension. The techniques were life-saving during those dark times.
​Simultaneously, I saw a PPD/PPA counselor and specialist. If you are going through PPD, I highly highly recommend that you see a specialist. These people see cases of PPD regularly and they will be able to tell you if your symptoms are that of PPD. None of the MD doctors I saw concluded that what I was going through was PPD/PPA. Crazy. The specialist was the only one to pinpoint the symptoms and give me information about what to do regarding PPD, and specifically relating to PPD.
I also saw my OB, but it was for my 6 month checkup. I wasn't able to get into her to discuss the PPD issue because she was booked solid. When I saw her, I talked with her about PPD and she informed me that she could write me a prescription for Zoloft if I needed it. I haven't called her to fill it because it was at that point that I started to come out of the PPD. That said, I am not opposed to medication and encourage it depending on the severity/type of PPDA you are going through.
Last, I tried to get into a psychiatrist. I made an appointment, but ended up canceling the appointment because I started feeling better. Out of pocket, she cost something like $450, so if you are worried about money (which you shouldn't be when you are going through PPD!), I suggest going to see your OB instead, which should be covered by insurance. He/she can prescribe any medication in regards to your PPD and he/she should be familiar with symptoms. Again, I am not a doctor, this is just what I will do next time (if there is a next time).

Again, I'm glad I went through the route that I did, seeing all of these doctors. Each doctor helped me along to the next doctor. However, if I were to do it all over again (and hopefully I don't have to!) I would definitely start with a PPD/PPA specialist and counselor. Having someone who is familiar with cases of PPD and PPA to quickly recognize the symptoms and point you in the right direction of recovery is my best advice.
I'm also glad I saw the holistic doctor, who is also an MD by the way. If you are going to see a holistic doctor, I recommend seeing someone who is credentialed; not a quack; there are a lot of holistic whackos out there. My doctor, Dr. Joseph Forbes in Nashville is not. He is a highly respected MD with years of experience in holistic medicine. What I liked about him is that he worked from the inside out, and really took a personal interest in my healing.
While I love mainstream doctors, what I didn't understand about the ER doctor and Ugent Care doctor is that neither of them recognized that I was going through postpartum depression or anxiety, which was a little confusing. Instead, they diagnosed my symptoms as stress-induced.
If you are a mom struggling with PPD, you begin to feel helpless when countless doctors tell you that your symptoms are stress-induced. I felt helpless because I didn't know what I was doing differently to contribute to the onset of the symptoms at this point than I had done any other day of my life when I didn't have the symptoms. Therefore I didn't know how to stop the symptoms because I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I essentially felt responsible for the symptoms and the state that I was in when MD's told me that the symptoms were stress-induced.
When you KNOW that it is PPD that is causing your symptoms and that the causation/effects is outside of your control, it tends to make you feel better. Because and when I knew it was PPD/PPA, it was more empowering. I knew what I was dealing with (to a certain level) and could seek care as such. I also knew that there would hopefully be a terminal point to the symptoms and my life would resume back to normal. If it didn't go back to normal, I could then proceed and get on anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication. Again, the most comforting thing to hear from someone, namely a doctor, is that the symptoms are common and particular to postpartum depression and anxiety. AND that the symptoms will go away or become manageable with the proper care and treatment.
​All in all, I got the most out of the PPD specialist and the holistic MD. The PPD specialist because she knew (in my case) the most about the disease and the holistic MD because he worked from the inside out. I also thought my OB was helpful because she could prescribe medication, if needed. However, I'm not sure if she and the nurse knew that it was PPD/PPA that I was suffering from when I called in and talked to the nurse about my severe headaches and nausea when it all started. In all fairness to them, I didn't tell them I was feeling depressed - maybe because I was in denial or maybe because the depression came as an effect of the headaches/nausea. Either way, if I start having crazy physical symptoms next time, I will know to see a specialist, my OB or a holistic doctor!
Last point, if you see an MD, which you probably should in all of this mess, make sure you get your blood work done! This can throw off your physical and mental state, as well. My holistic doctor checked mine; everything came back normal, except for my vitamin D levels were slightly low (although not out of range).

Again, I talked to my husband, my parents and my sister. They helped me out of the trough of PPD. In addition to family, I talked to mom friends. Again, this helped TENFOLD. One of the hardest parts of PPD is feeling like you are alone and that you will never heal. In talking to women who have gone through the same or know someone who has gone through PPD, you will feel comforted in hearing how common it is and how quickly you may recover.

Having family come in to help me was life-saving. My sister dropped everything and flew in to be there with me. The mere act of having someone by your side as you go through depression is necessary. After my sister left, I asked my parents to fly out. They helped SO much. From the bottom of my heart, I cannot thank them enough.
What my parents helped most with was implementing a plan. The plan was aimed at getting me out of PPD/PPA! We went to a coffee shop and wrote down any and all stressors in my life. We then went through each stressor, addressed it and figured out a way to solve it. Things that came up were: not having enough personal time - aka: getting a nanny, not exercising enough, not having a regular date night with my husband, not talking about my problems, not getting one-on-one time with Lincoln, etc. It is crazy how powerful writing down your problems is.
After we addressed each issue, we got to solving the problems. The following entail my solutions: I hired a nanny three days a week. She would come two days during the work week to allow me to exercise, run errands and have personal time. She would additionally come on a weekend night to allow Ryan and I to have a date night. In getting the nanny, the most prominent thing that it solved was allowing me to have personal time away from my kids, which I desperately needed, ESPECIALLY while going through PPD. I went from having no help to having help three times a week. It was life-saving.
One of the other key aspects of having a nanny come during the week was being able to exercise. At this point in the game, I needed something that would save me mentally and exercise was the answer. My dad asked me if they had any good gyms and/or classes in the area. I told him that I had heard great things about Orange Theory Fitness and that it was an amazing, high intensity workout (which is what I needed). We immediately drove over to an OTF (Orange Theory Fitness) studio and scheduled a trial day. I did the trial, loved it and signed up for 8 classes a month (2 classes a week).
I cannot tell you how much this hardcore workout has saved me mentally. It literally gives me life. I feel better mentally and physically, and cannot imagine my life without it.

Aside from the nanny and using exercise to help my PPD, the holistic MD gave me advice on how to reduce stress. He mentioned that I turn my back on negative emotions (which is true). Because I don't address these thoughts, they pile up as emotional baggage in my body and ultimately manifest in the physical form. If you think this is weird, that is fine, but I totally buy into this. Anyways, he gave me pointers on how to address these emotions/stress and it has worker wonders for me.

Equally, the PPD specialist helped in multiple ways.

Last, last point and I can't believe I didn't mention this earlier... prayer helped majorly. I prayed hard and often. Sometimes angry, desperate prayers, and other times grateful, loving prayers. No matter what you believe, relying on a power bigger than yourseld is necessary for healing.
In addition to prayer, I read a healing books. One book that helped me is called An Angels' Guide to Working with the Power of Light by Laura Newbury. This book is written by a mother going through a divorce with two small children. In going through the trauma, she developed painful headaches, anxiety, depression and a bunch of other things. What she found was that angels and the power of light, and namely forgiveness helped heal her. This book is amazing! It was only by coincidence that I picked it up to read one night while I was in the trough of my PPD. It helped my healing majorly and I'm thankful that God put it into my hands.

Last, last, last point.. ultimately what got me out of PPD was time and patience. The worst of my PPD lasted about one month and I did have symptoms on either side of that month for another couple of weeks. Be patient, give yourself time and have faith that you’ll come out of it. You will!

Exercise may not help everyone, so I don't want to say that exercise is a cure-all remedy. It may not be for you! But for me, personally, it was my saving grace. When I talk about the benefits of exercise, I believe it was "intense" exercise that helped me most.
I have exercised the majority of my life, but it was only through sports and in some instances of my life did I really exert myself hardcore through intense exercise... I mean the kind that makes you sweat like crazy, pushes your heart rate through the roof, and makes you feel like you're going to throw up or die ha! After I had kids, I exercised, but not in a way like this.
I found that intense cardio and weight-lifting really changed me as a person; mentally and psychically. First, it increased my heart rate. Second, it made me sweat. Third, it allowed me to release stress through the intensity. Fourth, I felt major endorphins. Fifth, it gives me a ton of energy. All of this combined, I felt a release of toxins and a rejuvenation in my body. I feel stronger and more energized because of exercise... AND happier. When going through PPD, this is something that truly saved me for those reasons.

I had family come in to help. This allowed me to attend doctor's appointments. I also hired a nanny. If I ever go through PPD/PPA again, I will definitely have a nanny on-hand hopefully full-time during the week if we can afford to. Being alone with my kids while I had PPD was horrible. I felt debilitated and certainly not in a state to care for two overly-reliant, young children.

The symptoms started at six months postpartum around my thirtieth birthday, which was mid-September. The symptoms were pretty gnarly for about six weeks and then started to subside, but not all at once. The headaches and nausea gradually got better. I started sleeping better at night. The depression and anxiety slowly lifted. So maybe like 8 weeks after that. It is difficult to remember clearly, but I believe it was no more than two months. I'll say that I have a friend who said that her specialist said that symptoms generally last for one month, on average. My PPD specialist told me the same ish, and said that once you start to come out of the "trough" that you likely won't go back into the trough; the road may be a little bumpy, but that you should be in the clear (in her experience).

​Today, I'm talking about baby's first shoe with Freshly Picked. I couldn't be more excited to partner with them, seeing that they were one of my favorite brands when I had my first son, Lincoln, and stayed a favorite with my second, V.

With the final days until Christmas, I know how easy it is to gloss over the newest addition to your family when it comes to gifts. I mean, what could a baby possibly want for Christmas? Well, I've found the perfect gift in Freshly Picked baby moccasins. Whether you are gifting them to your little one or to a friend's little one, these soft-soled shoes are second to none.

​I'm not sure that I've come across a first shoe for baby that I love more. What I prefer about FP moccasins over other brands is the fit, flexibility, and style. The elasticity of the moccasins ensures that baby won't lose one shoe or the other. The flexibility of this soft-soled shoe allows baby to take his or her first steps in a gripping way, and the style of the shoe couldn't be cuter.

Speaking of style, I already own a few pairs of Freshly Picked moccasins, so I wanted to step outside of the box and try one of their new styles: the Cedar Oxford.  Let me tell you, the new design is amazing! In fact, I can't tell if I prefer the original moccasin to the Cedar Oxford.  I love the warm neutral color of the leather, and feel it pairs with most all outfits.

In addition to the Cedar Oxford, V wears the Milk Chocolate moccs. I can't get enough of both styles and honestly switch back and forth on the regular. As such, I recommend purchasing a few difference styles and colors. Your babe will live in them! Also, if you are looking for a holiday-patterned style, check out their website for several options.

While considering what to purchase for your bundle of joy this Christmas, be sure and check out Freshly Picked! They are the perfect first shoe for your sweetie's first Christmas. This year, make it Freshly Picked, under the tree.

Happy Holidays, friends!

With one week left until Christmas, I wanted to list TEN fun (and easy) family traditions to incorporate into the final week leading up to the holiday! We all know how quickly the holidays fly by. So fast, in fact, that sometimes you don't get to do all that you set out to accomplish. And that goes for implementing family holiday traditions. Thus, these holiday traditions are easy to carry out, while also allowing your kids to fully live out the magic of Christmas. Here we go...

Every year growing up, my parents allowed my sister and I to open one gift on Christmas Eve. The gift was always a brand new pair of holiday PJ's and slippers that we wore on Christmas Eve night and woke up in on Christmas morning. Even though the gift was always the same, we were so excited that we got to open a present early! While I love this family tradition so much, there are a few tweaks that I have made with my own family...  

1. We gift the kids PJ's on the first of December (so they can enjoy their PJ's through the holiday season), and
2. We buy matching pajamas for the entire family! ... Because what is more fun than opening presents on Christmas day in matching pajamas?​

Thanks to Lazy One, we were able to find matching pajama sets for the holidays. We chose the Bear Essentials Flapjacks for the whole family, and LOVE them. This is most definitely a fun family tradition that we will keep going ever year. Keep your Christmas cozy, festive (and matching!) with Lazy One pajamas!  

In the final week before Christmas, it is likely that your kiddos and the neighborhood/school kids are also on Christmas break. What better way to give your mama friends an excuse to get out of the house than to host a cookie decorating party? If you're not up for hosting, try setting some time aside to make, bake and decorate cookies at home.
If you're like me, you're thinking that your kids will likely eat their way through the party and end up with a massive sugar high. I get it, but it's freaking CHRISTMAS. Let them live a little. Sometimes my favorite memories with my kids are the ones in which I broke the rules. 

Once again, I know, it's sugar. Ah! By now, you've probably realized that sugar intake and associated control therein is out-the-window come December (see #2). Call me crazy, but I grew up drinking Capri Suns and eating Lunchables. I think I turned out okay, right?!  a night of hot cocoa consumption isn't going to ruin your kids, in fact, it'll add to the holiday magic. Thus, pick a night and make homemade hot cocoa with your kids. They will (literally) eat it up!

I know that we are almost to Christmas, but gifting/making your child a unique ornament that either they picked out or an ornament that you chose that reminds you of them is something that'll impart sweet memories over the years. Now that we have Amazon Prime, there is no excuse to not purchasing knick-knacky items at the last minute. If you don't want to Prime an ornament, you can also check out your local grocery store (which we did) and pick out an ornament there! It likely won't be fancy but it'll do the job.
This year, Lincoln picked out a Mickey Mouse ornament at Kroger. As stupid as I thought it was in the moment, now it is one of the most sentimental things we've gotten this Christmas!! The $5 Mickey ornament totally reminds me of Lincoln and makes me want to cry every time I look at it. 
For the "fancy-pants" moms, check out Christopher Radko ornaments. My mother-in-law gifted each of her five kids these fancy ornaments each year in the form of an ornament that reminded her of that particular child. Lucky for me, my husband now has a full box of 30-some Christopher Radko ornaments. This is something I'd ideally love to do for my boys. Buy hey, if you're not as fancy, head to Kroger or pull out some paper and make/draw your own!

Decorating our mailbox with Christmas decorations was not something I had ever thought of doing until I saw that all of my neighbors had decorated theirs! Omg, it is literally the cutest (and easiest thing). I immediately hopped on this bandwagon and busted out the Christmas wrapping paper and got to it. Again, to decorate, keep it simple and use things that you already own. I went to Kroger and bought a big red bow for $2, used wrapping paper that I already owned and battery-operated lights that were gifted to me.
Not only is this a fun thing for you to do, but it is also a fun thing that you can do with your kids. This is a family tradition we will be doing every year that brings joy to us every time we turn into the driveway!

My Aunt Claire told me about this one. Every year, she asked my grandpa (her dad) to call her two boys, pretending to be Santa. He would disguise his voice and carry on a conversation with each boy, asking them what they wanted for Christmas. She told me I had to do it and record it. So we did. We asked Ryan's brother to call our son, Lincoln, pretending that he was Santa.
You guys, this was SO hilarious, sweet and cute. Lincoln literally thought it was Santa calling (of course), and it was the most precious thing ever. Not only do you get to witness your child experiencing the magic of the holiday, but you also may get some insight into any presents you might have forgotten about. No matter what you find, this tradition is SO worth it, just be sure and get it on camera.

Looking at the Christmas lights around the neighborhood is often something we take for granted, especially with our kids! It is amazing how these little details make a huge difference through the eyes of our children. While most of us have had roughly thirty or so years of seeing Christmas lights each season, our children have not. In fact, for a lot of them, this may be the first time that they actually appreciate the lights and decorations. Make a tradition of it and either hop in the car or a wagon/stroller and explore the neighborhood Christmas lights. Be sure and have your kids tell you their favorite types of lights and ask them what they like about those houses most.
You could even step it up a notch and take your children to a Christmas event solely dedicated to holiday lights. For instance, Nashville's Cheekwood hosts "Holiday LIGHTS" with over one million Christmas lights illuminating their gardens. It is magical!

This is something that I have yet to do, but is a tradition that I am 100% making sure I partake in every year. While Santa photos are necessary, we all know that the best kind of Santa photo is the one that is free. Google around or ask friends about photos with Santa and you'll likely uncover a Santa set that doesn't cost an arm and a leg.

Whether you choose the same movie each year or rotate each year, choosing a "Christmas-themed" movie to watch is festive and memorable. Curl up around the fire and turn on a Christmas film that the entire family will like. Maybe that movie is The Polar Express or It's A Wonderful Life or A Charlie Brown Christmas. Guaranteed there is a Christmas version of your child's favorite shows. Make it a fun, family tradition!

As a parent giving to my kids unconditionally over the holidays, sometimes I forget the true meaning of the holiday. I need to constantly remind myself that Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus and most poignantly, celebrates the gift of giving. Make the holiday season a time to teach your kids the significance of the holiday; it is not in receiving that we find joy, but in giving that we find joy.
Thus, you can make the act of "giving" a family tradition by picking a way to give back. Maybe it is something that is relevant to your family. For instance, if you are a military family and want to pick a military family to sponsor. Or maybe you've had a family member affected by cancer, and it's on your heart to give back to the local hospital that cares for children with cancer. Even if it is a small act of kindness, such as giving to the homeless man on the corner, there are several ways to give back this season! In some way, I think it's important to teach our kids the reason for the season (God only knows how blessed they are and how much they receive!). As your kids grow into this tradition, it'll be a great way to teach them the importance and gift of giving.

Hey mamas!

Hope this post finds you well. Today I wanted to share a post on transitioning from one to two kids. The transition is something that I reflect upon often, but have failed to put into words. It is something that has been amazing, but also challenging. Now that I am nine months into the transition and feel like I have gotten to a place of equilibrium, I wanted to share my experience in going from one to two kids. As such, this post will include:
​

• What has stayed the same in transitioning from one to two kids.
• What has changed in transitioning from one to two kids.
• What has been difficult in transitioning from one to two kids.
• What has been amazing in transitioning from one to two kids.

​Also, a huge shoutout to Playtex Baby™​. We are happy to be in a partnership with them and are thankful they make our lives easier (especially in transitioning from one to two kids!). Below are some of the respective products we use and love. They are shown in the photos and I also refer to some in this post.

Life is still a balancing act.
Whether you have one kid, two kids, three kids, etc., life is still a balancing act. With the first kid, you are thrown into the pits of parenthood, floundering not knowing what to do. You are running around like a chicken with your head cutoff, and life can be difficult to balance. When you have your second kid, you are a life-balancing pro. You know what to expect, you know the challenges, you know the demands, and you still have to balance them all the same. Yes, there are different kinds of challenges and there is more to balance, but because you know what you are doing, it seems like the same ole thing. 

Life with two kids is still "hard".
Do you know that feeling when you have your first kid and you think that life has forever changed... and even though you are absolutely in love with your kid you realize that life is harder now? Rather than focusing solely on yourself, you are now required to manage and care for another human being. It is hard, guys! So, when you go from from one to two kids that feeling of life being hard is still the same. In fact, when you have your second kid you realize how freakin' easy it was to have only one kid. 
I categorized this as something that has stayed the same because of the fact that you don't realize how much easier it was with one kid until you have your second kid. When you are in it, no matter how many kids you have, life always feels harder (than maybe it is). Now that I comprehend this phenomenon, I try and remind myself that having two kids isn't all that bad!

You will still have a strong relationship with your first/oldest.
While the relationship with your first may inherently change (and I will talk about the difficulties of this down below), the relationship with your first will remain strong and you will still feel a strong bond. The fact that your first was your first in and of itself makes that relationship special. Bringing another baby into the world doesn't change that, unless you allow it to. 
I admit that I was worried that my relationship with my first would change when we had our second, and to a certain extent it did because he was no longer the only one. But, the reason it changed wasn't because of him, it was mostly because of me. I put feelings of guilt and sadness on myself. If I were to assess how it made my son feel, I'd say that he adapted quite well and still looked at me and our relationship the same. After we were able to settle into our life as a new family, I outgrew the sadness and guilt and was able to re-initiate the relationship with him in a new way and because of that, it grew stronger.

You're day-to-day routine will change.
For me personally, I got very comfortable with my day-to-day routine with my first, and when I was about to deliver our second, the thought of giving up our routine was hard on me. I had finally hit a very sweet spot with our first baby, Lincoln, when he was about one year old to about twenty months (just before the terrible twos!), which was ironically (or probably why) I got pregnant with our second. At this point, everything sort of clicked for me as a mama, and our routine became very manageable and fun. The thought of uprooting this and changing our lives/schedules scared me. I knew that with a newborn, we would be thrown back into the hardships of schedules and the craziness of baby life.
In the first few months (maybe first three months) after delivering our second, I was lucky that I recovered quickly and was able to carry on my routine with my first as much as possible (which I highly recommend you try doing if you're able to!). I kept the same playdates, I took him to the same story-times, we took the same walks, the same outings, the same everything. That is until newborn life, sleepless nights and rigorous nap schedules started taking a toll on our "original" routine. I felt bad for Lincoln; he had to stay strapped to the house during this time. I was bummed that our schedule was forced to change.
All of this said, while our schedule did change and as difficult as it was for the first several months, we have now gotten into a new rhythm and a new sort of schedule. While it is different than our original schedule, it accommodates the two boys nicely and they are happy as can be (and so am I!). ​

You may be unsure if you want more kids at this point.
When I had my first, I 100% knew I wanted another kid, and I wanted him/her sooner than later. I probably started getting baby fever around 8 to 10 months postpartum. At that time, I loved being a mom and wanted to grow my little family, and fast, because I knew I wanted our kids to be close in age. Thus, when Lincoln turned one, we started trying. Boom. I got pregnant right away.
When we had our second, V, there were several moments during the newborn stage in which I told myself and made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to have anymore kids. With Lincoln (my first), I didn't have this sensation. The sleepless nights and demands of the newborn stage was hard on me. Not only that, but dividing my time, energy and attention between two kids was also very hard on me. I love being able to give my kids a lot of my attention and now with two kids, I often struggle with not being able to give them as much as I could be. Therefore, the thought of now having to give another kid attention seems unfathomable. There is a part of me that may have room for one more kid, but I certainly don't have the surety that I had with my first. 

You love your kids all the same but in different ways.
This is an interesting point and one that I wasn't sure I was prepared for. In having another child, I guess I didn't realize how different they would be and how much this would impact my parenting style. Not only are the boys different in terms of their age, but they are also different in terms of their personality. What motivates one child, may not motivate another child. What makes one child laugh, may not make the other laugh. What discipline works for one child, may not work for another. This isn't good or bad, it is just different.

 You're "baby" is no longer your baby/youngest, and that relationship inherently changes.
When I became pregnant with our second child, I would tell you that the idea of my relationship changing with my first (the reality that he was no longer my baby) and in actuality when it happened, was all really hard on me. Not to mention I finally came to terms with this when I was going through my first (and only) encounter with postpartum depression. It was difficult, not going to lie. I had grown to fall so deeply in love with our first and poured all of my time, energy and love into him. He was so young when I had our second that there was a part of me that wished I had had more time with him as an only child.
When we had our second, it felt like a betrayal. I struggled to find a balance and felt a major sense of guilt. Again, I think the postpartum depression and anxiety majorly contributed to this feeling. In addition to the new reality that I had not one but two children to pour my love into, when we had V, Lincoln all of the sudden grew out of his baby stage and into a two-year old. Some people told me that the older sibling would "revert" back to babyish tendencies, but in my case, Lincoln did the opposite. He grew up and matured rather quickly. While I insistently appreciated this, I also grew sad about the feeling that I had somehow lost my first baby. It was a weird sensation that I had to emotionally overcome - and that took time.
The silver lining in saying all of this is that the guilt, and possibly sadness, you feel will reside and you will reach a place in which it becomes second nature to give to both children. It is bittersweet to think, but your days with an only child will become distant. Personally, I had to mourn this maybe a little more than others. If you are struggling with these feelings, I guarantee you are not alone! (And let me add that the sadness/guilt was not because I didn't love my second baby as much as my first. I absolutely did. It was the fact that the transition now to have two kids to love rather than one was difficult for a period of time). 

If the age gap between your kids is close, that may be a challenge (in the beginning).
I put this point under the "difficult" section because I feel as if I won't reap the benefits of the close age gap between my kids until they are a little bit older. As for now, the twenty-two month age gap between both kids has been challenging! First, it was difficult because again, I was sad for a period of time that I didn't have more time with my first as an only child. I wished that I had gotten a little bit more time with him, especially while he was so young. Second, the age gap is hard because I was thrown right back into the newborn stage when I had just gotten out of it. It felt as if my son transitioned from babyhood to toddlerhood, and then I was thrown right back into babyhood with our second. The days of schedules and sleepless nights seemed far behind me and then I was thrown back into it. This was hard. ​
While the age gap has been a challenge, I know that it will benefit my kids in the near future. As two little boys so close in age, they will be the best of friends, will have a lot in common and will be able to share in life's adventures. It may be difficult now, but it will pay dividends in the future! I am confident in this because I have talked to a majority of parents who say that this age gap is preferred (big phew). I also like the fact that my kids won't know life any other way than with a sibling. From as early as their memory's can recall, they will always know life with a little/older brother. There is something endearing about that; always having a constant companion.

You will have to share your time and attention between your kids.
Sharing my time and attention between both kids has been a tough one, as well. I think it stems from my personality; I put a lot of pressure on myself to do the best I can; I'm a bit of an over-achiever, and in motherhood, it's no different. There is so much that I want to pour into my kids. I want to pour love, attention, adoration, knowledge, healthy food, good sleep, lots of stories, etc. etc. I want to pour all of life's good and healthy things into my kids. 
I was able to achieve this with one child, but when you add another kid into the mix, your ability to pour into each kid diminishes. Sorry, it does. Not only that, but it can also become overwhelming, especially if you have a high-achieving personality like myself. It is not possible to put 100% into each kid all of the time  because you cannot give each kid the same attention at the same time unless you're God! You either have to group parent, aka read them stories at the same time, or pick and choose when you pour into each kid. As you pick and choose when to pour into each kid, it automatically may take away from the other. Do they care? Probably not, they are happy as can be, but it might be hard on you -- in the beginning.
As life continues and you grow used to the transition from one to two kids, this aspect will become easier. You're oldest will become (tear*) more independent and will be able to entertain himself more often. You'll have nap times with one kid that is devoted to providing the other kid with attention. Sooner or later, you'll get the hang of it and again, it'll become second nature.

You don't have as much one-on-one time with each kid.
Getting one-on-one time with each kid is uber important to me. If you think about how precious your time with your first kid was, you'll realize that a lot of that stems from the fact that it was because you were one-on-one with them, giving them 100% of your time, energy and love (to the point above). When you have two kids, you clearly don't get as much one-on-one time with your kids.
​Because I value one-on-one time, I now carve it out with each kid during the week. While Lincoln is at school, I get one-on-one time with V. While V is with a nanny, I get one-on-one time with Lincoln. During this time, I am sure to focus 100% on each child. I also try and make that time special. I put away my phone and pack their favorite snacks. For Lincoln, I bring along the Playtex® Flip Top Snacker filled with organic Snackimal Crackers (his favorite)! I also pack his favorite drink, usually almond milk with cinnamon, in his favorite cup, the Playtex® Sipsters® Stage 3 Thomas & Friends™ . 
All of this said, it is still hard to balance how much one-on-one time is enough, meanwhile coming up with the resources (babysitting money and time) to be able to do so. And more importantly, do your kids care? I seem to think so! Lately, what I find happening is that I spend a lot of the time with the baby and my husband spends a lot of time with Lincoln - especially on the weekends. Is this ideal? No, but it ensures that each kid has adequate attention.

You are stuck in the house and are thrown back into the baby stage (in the beginning).
Being thrown back into the newborn stage was hard on me. I think it was hard on me because I felt like I had JUST gotten passed it with Lincoln. After delivering V, just twenty-two months after Lincoln was born, I had to rewind back to the hard part that I thought was over! The newborn stage is hard at first because you have sleepless nights and are breastfeeding around the clock amongst other things. Around three months your baby starts to eat less and starts sleeping through the night, but then you are chained to the house because of nap schedules (if you're strict with schedule like me). It's tough, guys, or at least it was on me.
During this difficult phase with two young children, I was thankful in my ability to step away from the house, alone, when I needed time to recover as a mom and as a person. This was necessary for survival! I hired a nanny two days a week and either left her with breastmilk or formula, directing her to use V's favorite bottle: Playtex Baby™ Nurser® with Drop-Ins® Liners.  There was no issue with either child in my ability to take personal time for myself (and no issue with my little guy taking a bottle using the Playtex Baby™ Nurser®). I highly encourage you do this; you will be a better mom for it.
The silver lining during this stage, as hard as it is, is that the newborn phase is the sweetest ever. Even though it is freaking hard, it is freaking magical. And thank goodness for that. Some more silver lining (and also the sad part) is that it doesn't last forever. You'll get out of the strict schedules, sleepless nights, breastfeeding around the clock and your routine will normalize. I hit this point when V (my second) started napping twice a day, around seven/eight months of age.

You can enjoy the "baby" stage a little more with new perspective.
With my first, I was on edge all of the time. I was a first-time parent and had no idea what I was doing. I was nervous about everything! With the second kid, you know what you are doing. You realize how short the newborn stage is and you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Additionally, you are a lot more relaxed about things because you know how resilient children are. For instance, with my first I freaked out about giving him formula. Because of this, he had a difficult time taking the bottle. With my second, I wasn't afraid of formula, In fact, I welcome it. I realized the balance that I needed and the reality that I needed time away from my children. I was able to give him the Playtex Baby™ Nurser® with Drop-Ins® Liners which simulates a nursing sensation similar to breastfeeding. It worked like a charm. Mom was happy and baby was even happier!
Because you are more relaxed and confident in your parenting ability, you are able to enjoy the "tough" phases a little bit more. You know what to expect and you know what should be concerning and what to relax about. Most of the time, you are able to enjoy the ride a little bit more. Equally, it also gives you wise perspective on how to parent your oldest. Instead of freaking out about their attitude or the fact that they aren't potty-trained, you can see it as a phase and appreciate it for what it is, knowing that it will be over before you know it. I do love the perspective that having two kids gives me!

You get to enjoy the stages of your child's life all over again, and in a new way.
This one is bittersweet and makes me want to cry as I think about it. As parents, we all know how precious time is in watching our little ones grow. With your first baby, time is a blur; so much that you don't know what to appreciate and how much to appreciate it until it is gone. In having a second child it is as if you get another chance to enjoy the stages all over again. To the point above, you also get to enjoy those stages in a more relaxed way and with a new and unique child. In having our second, it has indefinitely made me appreciate every single freaking second of life. Not only with him, but also with Lincoln. Time is flashing by, but I am holding onto the moments as hard as I can because I know how fast the clock ticks when they are little.

​You find a new "normal."
As difficult as the transition from one to two kids is, you will reach a place of equilibrium -- and when you get there, it'll be amazing! It may take some time, but I promise it'll be worth it. Again, I hit my stride at about 8 to 9 months. This is when I really felt like I had the whole two kid thing under control and we were in some sort of a cohesive routine. I'm not sure if this particular point in time (8 to 9 months) had to do with the fact that I was now out of my postpartum depression/anxiety period or the fact that my second was now on two naps a day or the fact that I forced myself to find a schedule. One way or another, all of my ultra-intense emotions started to calm down and I found a good rhythm with our family of four.
If you are freaking out, I suggest that you literally calendar out a schedule. Write down things that are important to you! What is stressing you out? What do you need to change? Do it. It'll make things go back to normal faster and you'll be able to enjoy your family tenfold.

You're love for both kids will be infinite.
People tell you that your love will multiply and expand when you have more kids. While I struggled with a variety of emotions in transitioning from one to two kids, loving each child deeply was not one of them. A child (especially your own child!) is a blessing, always. Bringing another baby into the world and introducing them into your family will generate so much love from your heart. That love is powerful beyond belief, as it was/is with your first child. 

You'll love to watch your kids interact (even when they fight).
Because I have two boys and had them so close together, it took a little longer for them to start interacting. Lincoln, being a boy, wasn't really into his baby brother and was too little to really comprehend what was going on when we brought V home from the hospital. Now that V is eight months and fully coming into his own, I've had the pleasure and pure joy of seeing my kids start to interact with one another. Whether they are playing with toys, standing together, wearing the same outfits or even fighting with one another, it fills me with so much happiness in seeing them together. 
One of my favorite things is seeing my older son's adoration and concern for his younger brother. Sometimes he wakes up from his nap asking where "Vancey Bear" is. Or, he'll instruct V on how to do something. Or, I'll catch him taking a toy away from V only to replace it with something else - something we taught him. I feel as if having a sibling has really sharpened my oldest in his emotional intelligence and empathy.

Your heart grows fuller.
This took me awhile to realize because again it took time for me to fully settle into the transition from one to two kids. It was difficult at first to comprehend how my heart could ever be fuller than it was with one child. For awhile, I felt as if I had to split hairs. That said, once you get through all of the emotions and life settles into a new routine, you will feel fuller (in a new way), I promise! 

​

Happy Holiday Ladies!

With the weather cooling down here in Nashville, it finally feels like the holidays are upon us! From Christmas decorations to holiday music to Christmas tree farms sprouting up all over town, we have officially entered into Christmas territory. As we embark on the holiday season, I am making every excuse to invite my mama friends over for holiday-themed parties. One of the many things that makes for a great holiday party is a great holiday cocktail. As such, I have gathered a list of Cate and I's FAVORITE holiday cocktails that we are dying to try with our gal-pals this season. We all know that mama deserves a drink, so bust out your shakers and martini glasses, and enjoy! 

(makes one drink)
2 oz. vanilla vodka
2 oz. Godiva white chocolate liqueur
1 oz. white creme de cacao
1 oz.  half and half
Lemon wedge
Sanding sugar

​Cut a half-inch slit into the lemon wedge and rub it around the rim of the glass. Pour sanding sugar into a shallow dish then dip the rim in the sugar to coat evenly. Gently shake off excess sugar. Add the vodka, chocolate liqueur, creme de cacao, and half and half into a shaker filled with ice. Shake well and strain mixture into glass.
Serve immediately, and enjoy with your favorite seasonal tunes next to a toasty fireplace!

(serves 2)

• 4 fluid ounces vodka
• 4 fluid ounces apple cider
• Juice of 2 lime wedges
• 24 fluid ounces ginger beer
• 1⁄4 teaspoon Simply Organic® Ceylon Cinnamon
• 2 Simply Organic® Cinnamon Sticks

1. In a cocktail shaker, combine vodka, apple cider and lime juice. Shake until well mixed.
2. Fill 2 copper mugs with ice, then divide mixture between mugs. Divide ginger beer between mugs, filling to top.
3. Top off with a sprinkle of cinnamon and a cinnamon stick. Serve and enjoy!

​

Combine all ingredients in a large pitcher and stir together with a large wooden spoon to help the sugar dissolve. Refrigerate for at least 4 hours before serving. Serve chilled or over ice.
​

Gingerbread Syrup:

• 100 g (rounded 1/2 cup) dark brown soft sugar
• 200 ml (3/4 cup + 1tbsp) water
• 2 cinnamon sticks
• 4 inch piece fresh ginger sliced into thin rounds
• 2 pieces mace optional
• 1/4 tsp vanilla extract

Spiced Sugar Rim:

• 4 tbsp dark brown soft sugar
• 1 tsp ground ginger
• 1 tsp ground cinnamon

Martini:

• 30 ml (2tbsp) vodka
• 30 ml (2tbsp) Feeney's Irish Cream
• 30 ml (2tbsp) single cream
• 30 ml (2tbsp) gingerbread syrup
• 15 ml (1tbsp) cold espresso

To Serve:

• Squirty cream
• crushed gingerbread biscuits
• ground ginger

To make the gingerbread syrup:

1. Place the sugar, water, cinnamon, ginger and mace into a small saucepan, stir over a medium heat until the sugar has dissolved then bring up to a simmer and allow to cook at a gentle simmer for 10 minutes. remove from the heat and stir in the vanilla extract, leave to cool then keep refrigerated until needed.

Spiced sugar rim:

1. Mix together the brown sugar, ground ginger and cinnamon and spread out on a saucer or wide bowl. Pour a little bit of water onto another saucer and dip the rim of a martini glass into it, shake off the excess water then dip the rim into the spiced sugar to coat.

To make the gingerbread latte martini:

1. Fill a cocktail shaker with ice and measure in the vodka, Feeney's Irish Cream, single cream, gingerbread syrup and espresso. Shake vigorously then strain into the prepared glass.
2. Top with a swirl of whipped cream then sprinkle with a little ground ginger and plenty of crushed gingerbread.

(serves 24)

• 1 liter Maker's Mark® Bourbon
• 1 quart Milk
• 1 quart Heavy Cream
• 2 dozen Eggs
• 1 1/2 cups Sugar
• Garnish Nutmeg

Separate eggs and beat yolks until creamy. Whip sugar into yolks. Beat whites until they stand in peaks, adding 1/2 cup additional sugar, if desired. Beat yolks and Maker’s Mark® Bourbon together. Add whites. Beat cream. Add cream and milk to mixture. Add nutmeg to taste, and garnish each cup with nutmeg. Makes approximately 24 servings.