Hi mamas!

It is no surprise that we welcomed another little BOY into our family!! We are beyond excited to have met Beauden Nash on September 9th, 2019 at 7:44am. He is the perfect addition to our boy tribe .. and no, we are not sad that it wasn't a little girl! A boy - and exactly this little boy - was who and exactly what we wanted all along! We are floating on cloud nine through this newborn period and appreciate all of the love and support. Crazily, I've felt the most supported this third time around between family and friends gifting us with presents, flowers, food and time. We have truly felt the outpouring of love in welcoming this new baby to our family. Thank you.

I wanted to recap my labor and delivery story because I cherish having done so with my previous birth. Re-reading my labor and delivery story bringing Vance (my second son) into the world literally gives me chills and brings me back to the hospital room. So, that is what I am going to do today for little Beauden.

This labor and delivery story was quite different than my previous births. In fact, none of my three births has been quite the same, despite each being vaginal, medicated deliveries. This birth was ideal in a lot of ways, which I will discuss later on, and also involved a little more "drama" than the others. But, when all was said and done, our sweet baby boy trumped the noise, and reminded us about what is important, and that is bringing a healthy baby into this world. And on September 9th, 2019, we did it! 

As you all know, I, like many women, started to feel anxious about when I would meet my baby. ​When will I go into labor? What can I do to get on the same page as baby to signal go-time? What alternative remedies can I do to urge things along? Should I have a membrane sweep? If so, when? Should I induce? If so, when? I had all of those crazy thoughts that us moms have as our due dates approach, and had to make some tough decisions along the way. Ultimately, my three wishes came true. First, was bringing a healthy baby into this world. Second, was that I went into labor on my own. And third, I went into labor in the thirty-ninth week of pregnancy! My labor started at thirty-nine weeks and five days and we had our baby boy at thirty-nine weeks and six days. Totally full-term and one day shy of my actual due date. Totally ideal.

Before I get into details, I wanted to preface the "drama" I mentioned before. As my labor and delivery story unfolds, you will see my strong reaction to my doctor(s) and nurse. I do not mean to disrespect any part of the medical community. My husband comes from a family of doctors and I have the utmost respect for physicians. At the end of the day, they know more than I do. They birth hundreds of babies a year, and I have only birthed three. But what I am going to share is my honest reaction to the situation. This is not meant to chastise the medical community, but instead to show that I will go through any length to protect my baby. In many instances, I was wrong about the protocols that I felt should have been carried out - and the nurses and doctors were right - but that doesn't mean I can't have feelings or opinions about how events should have unfolded otherwise, especially when it comes to the safety of my baby. Please be gentle with your thoughts and opinions, and remember that this is my story, not yours. You may judge me or think you would have done otherwise, okay fine. But please keep any negative commentary to yourself. I have already gone over the series of events with physicians and labor and delivery nurses, who have given me perspective.

In sum, this labor story was a HUGE blessing in a lot of ways. We brought our precious baby BOY into the world. And after all was said and done, despite a few bumps along the way (as there always is, even in a very uncomplicated pregnancy) all was right in the world. And this story, more than ever, reiterates my heartfelt belief that labor is a means to an end with the soul intent of bringing a healthy baby into this world. Whether it be a c-section, scheduled induction, at-home birth or medicated vaginal birth, every mama goes her own path and does the best she can given the circumstances presented. And her (and her doctor's) goal is always to bring a child safely into the world. 

So here it is... Buckle in!

I had finally hit my thirty-ninth week of pregnancy. Full-term, I thought. We had made it. The fact that I had gotten to 39 weeks calmed my nerves, and I was now ready - more than ever! - to go into labor. I was starting to get uncomfortable with more and more cramping throughout the day. I hadn't lost my mucous plug, and was sure to check each and every time I used the restroom. Despite not having lost it, I knew that labor might be near because of the cramping and pressure I felt on my lower regions. Not only that, but my daily workouts were getting to the point of discomfort. Yes, it was a physical discomfort from the cramping and pressure, but also a mental discomfort. Literally, two days prior I had woken up with the thought that maybe I wouldn't workout, which was a thought I rarely had during pregnancy because of how amazing my workouts made me feel.

The thirty-ninth week rolled along and my husband and I had thought that maybe I'd go into labor before family came into town. My parents and my in-laws were scheduled to arrive on Sunday, two days before my actual due date and one day prior to my scheduled, aggressive membrane sweep. If the membrane sweep didn't go according to plan, I would be induced the following Thursday (two days after my due date). By chance I went into labor before family arrived, we had zero plans as to what we would do with our kids. My husband and I joked (but were kind of serious) that we would just bring the kids to the hospital with us - even if it was in the middle of the night. But low and behold, I didn't go into labor (somewhat thankfully) and Sunday rolled around. Perfect timing, I thought, and I was happy that family had made it before the baby was here.

It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday. I woke up feeling happy. Happy that family was coming in only a matter of hours, and that I was one day closer to potentially meeting my baby. I had a tendency of freaking out about hosting logistics, even with family, and leading up to this was no different. Where will everyone stay? Will I have to entertain everyone? Will I feel calm having everyone around me? But as soon as the day arrived, I felt an overwhelming sense of calm and pure excitement that my parents and in-laws would soon be here. I craved their presence and couldn't wait to see everyone.

We carried on our morning as we would any other weekend morning. First, we made a trip to Starbucks off Knox Henderson. I pre-ordered our drinks and food... an iced venti green tea soy latte for me, three sausage egg sandwiches for the boys and a tall pike for Ryan, no room. After finishing our meal, we headed to Abbott Park in Highland Park, one of our favorite parks in the area. Ryan and I played with the boys for a bit on the playground before we setup our workout stations to get in a Kayla workout. Working out at the park together as the boys played on the playground had become one of our favorite morning activities. And today was no different. We completed our workout, despite my cramping and Braxton Hicks, and after, felt like a million bucks. After the workout, the boys played soccer on the adjacent tennis court for a bit before we headed back to the house for Vance's nap.

Vance went down for his midday nap. I then showered and got ready for family to arrive. I wasn't going to wash my hair and style it because I thought that maybe I'd wait until tomorrow - for my scheduled membrane sweep. After all, I wanted my hair to look nice if I were to go in labor! But I decided it needed a wash and that I wanted to look nice when family arrived. I proceeded to style my hair, do my makeup and put on my prettiest Pink Blush dress. I needed to live up these maternity outfits before it was too late.

After I was ready, our first visitor arrived... my mom! And I was ecstatic that she was here. She brought the boys Melissa and Doug sticker packets to play with. Rhett was overjoyed to play with LeLe and his new toy. Soon after, Ryan's parents (my in-laws) arrived - Mike and Willa. They had made the grand, ten hour drive from Kansas City to Dallas, and not only that, Ryan's dad was here! This was kind of a big deal because he is a working doctor, as I mentioned above, and had to take time off to be present for the birth. 

We all mingled in the dining room and caught up on the pregnancy, the baby, life, grandkids, politics, school, everything. I showed Willa (my MIL) and my mom the baby's nursery. We organized some of the new gifts they had brought. We also tallied everyone's thoughts on boy verses girl, and agreed that boy was the likeliest outcome. After settling in, we made the executive decision that we'd go out for Mexican food that night as soon as my dad arrived.

As soon as he came, we caught up a little more, then headed out to Meso Maya, a delicious Mexican restaurant, for dinner. Yum. Dinner was ideal. Our parents get along nicely, so it was nice having everyone together. The boys behaved nicely and we had amazing conversation. It really was an ideal night.

At dinner, I had a few cramps that were a bit stronger than normal and I spoke up to my mom about this. I also told my dad that I was having more lower pressure at this point in pregnancy than compared to any of my other pregnancies. He gave me a funny look and reminded me that I told him this same exact thing the night I went into labor with my first son, Rhett.

Dinner ended and we all headed home for the night. Mike and Willa to our house and my parents to a hotel. Logistics-wise, we had organized it so that Ryan's parents would stay with us the first two nights (and help with the kids if I went into labor), and then my parents would stay with us the following nights. Hopefully at that point the baby would be here. 

We put the boys down to sleep and got ready for bed. Ryan had been insisting that everyone watch the Dave Chapelle comedy skit that was being talked about, so him and his parents watched the skit, while I got myself into bed. I wanted to relax and veg out alone. Pregnancy at this point was tiring and it had been a long day.

It was 9pm, and I lay cozily in bed perusing my baby apps on my phone while infusing clary sage, an essential oil that I had heard helped put mamas into labor. I felt very relaxed and happy, but I kept feeling frequent cramping that was coming and going every now and again. The cramps were coming consistently, but somewhat far apart. I had a tendency of dismissing the thought that it was true labor because in past times, the cramps didn't progress, however, the next cramp came and got my attention. It felt different; stronger; more pronounced. Interesting, I thought. I got up out of bed and started organizing my hospital bag. I didn't want to jinx the fact that I might be in labor, but I also knew that it was only a matter of days anyways, so I might as well pack.

I lay back in bed after my anxiety died down and felt another cramp. Still in denial, I proceeded to time them. Might as well, I thought. I put my Apple Watch back on and noted the beginning time of each contraction in the Notes section of my phone. They weren't entirely regular, but regular enough to force me to time them. I heard the TV turn off downstairs, and everyone said their goodnights. I yelled down goodnight to my in-laws. I feared that if I got up I would totally jinx the contractions and they would go away. So I stayed in bed with my mind on my timer.

Ryan soon came up and started conversing with me about the comedy skit, but all I could think about was the incoming contraction. I interrupted him, "So, I don't want to jinx it and it might be nothing, but I'm feeling some cramping. And they are kind of painful. It feels different than normal cramping. I'm sure it's nothing, but I just wanted to give you a heads up." Just then, another contraction hit me. "Yeah. That was a contraction." I looked at him nervously. "I'm sure it'll go away, but it's definitely more painful." He looked at me and got excited. "This is it!" He said. "Let's get everything ready." he told me. I looked at him anxiously, "Well, maybe it'll go away, but maybe we should get organized. DON'T say anything to your parents." I feared that if he told his parents that it would totally jinx the contractions and they would go away. Simultaneously, I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up. Lastly, I also didn't want a crowd of people around while I labored. I wanted it to be a calm, soothing experience. 

I anxiously started doing things in our master bedroom, and Ryan did the same. It was as if we didn't know what to do with ourselves! I got a wave of adrenaline and nerves all at once. This could be it, I thought. I proceeded to nervously make the bed. (I am a chronic bed-maker and needed the house perfect before we left). Ryan kept asking me what I needed and frantically was throwing things into my hospital bag. I was calling out items that I might need. Before I knew it he had zipped up my hospital bag before I could finish. "Wait!" I said. "I need to make sure I have everything I need." I onced over my hospital bag and figured it was fine (totally out of character for me). I was so nervous that I couldn't think. I also threw on some concealer to brighten my eye and changed out of my PJ's. Thank Goodness I showered earlier today because my hair looked perfect.
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By the time our room was organized and the hospital bag was packed, we headed downstairs. Ryan's parents were now in their room sleeping - and all was peaceful, quiet and dimly lit. My nerves were getting the best of me and all I could think about was how my in-laws would successfully get the boys to school without having gone through everything! While at dinner, I thought that we should do a drive by to each of the boys' schools in case I went into labor, so that they would know how to get there, but figured we'd do it tomorrow. Boy, was I wrong!

Anyhow, I started to lay out each of the boys' backpacks, lunch boxes and water bottles in a row so that she would know whose was whose. I also screen shotted a map and drew directions for each of the boys' school locations. I wrote notes on an envelope for that included pick up/drop off times, what they could have for lunch and what wasn't allowed. Anything I could think of that would help them get to school easily!

I think my MIL could hear us whispering and jittering about in the kitchen, and I soon received a text message from her: "I think we are having a baby tonight." she wrote. I paused before I responded out of fear that I'd jinx it if I told her. Further, I wasn't sure I wanted an audience while laboring, but I soon got out of my head and texted her back, "I think you're right." I wrote.

She quietly came out of her room and asked how I was doing. Excitedly, she asked, "Brooke! Are you in labor?" I responded, "I think so. Contractions are coming every six minutes or so." Despite my nerves, Willa's presence soon calmed me, and I was glad that she was there. She pulled out her phone and said that she would start timing the contractions. She kept asking how I was feeling and helped me breath through each contraction. As we timed each contraction, the spacing between them was somewhat off. Some were five minutes apart and others were seven minutes apart. Some were stronger and required me to breath intently through them, while others were lighter and I could simply walk through them. Some were shorter and some were longer. We questioned if it was true labor due to the irregularity, but there was no doubt that some sort of pattern was emerging.

Willa rubbed my back and asked if I needed anything as the contractions came and went. "I'm good." I responded. "I just hope they don't go away! I really want to be in labor." Ryan also asked what I needed, but to be honest, I was perfectly fine focusing on the contractions without any help. If someone were talking to me or touching me, I kind of lost track of what I was feeling. I wanted to ensure that a) I was really feeling a contraction and b) the validity of each one, so that we knew when to head to the hospital.

It was 11:30pm, and the contractions started hitting every five minutes; painful enough to indicate that this was true labor. In between the final contractions before we headed to the hospital, we snapped a photo with my letter board sign that read: "Mama is headed to the hospital. It's Go Time!" My nerves were on fire. I had been waiting for this moment to come.

Ryan and I said our goodbyes. Hopped in the car and started driving to the hospital. Luckily, it was less than ten minutes away. I might have had one contraction on the way that I breathed through nicely. As we approached, Ryan asked if I wanted to go straight into Labor and Delivery myself or if I wanted to park with him. "Park with you." I quickly said. I was rather calm at this point - surprinsingly.

We parked and Ryan grabbed all of my hospital things. We walked toward labor and delivery into what looked like an ideal entrance. It was locked, but nurses were soon to exit, so we made our way in. We went up a short elevator and realized we were in the wrong location, as all of the doors around us were locked. Crap. I thought.  I should have figured this out sooner. We were quick to exit that building and head through the main entrance. Much better. The doors swung open and we walked down the hall towards the admissions area.

We approached the admittance area and there were a few nurses gathered around, casually hanging out. They smiled at me and asked how they could help. "I believe I am in labor." I said very relaxed with a smile. The woman at the desk smiled back and asked, "Okay. Were you here last night?" I responded, "Umm no. I wasn't here?" I was totally confused. Why would she ask me that? My first thought was that she assumed that I was crying wolf about being in labor. ​A little rude and presumptuous, I thought. They proceeded to hand me paperwork and my husband started filling it out. The nurse at the front then asked if I had called my doctor. "No." I said, " I wanted to come to the hospital first and make sure I was actually in labor before waking her." The nurse looked at me in an odd way, "Okay..." she said. Once again, I was baffled. Was I supposed to have called her? I mean, I know you should call your doctor but I also didn't want to fake anyone out at this point. 

I started to get a little nervous. To be quite honest, I didn't like the way the front desk had handled me up to this point. I didn't like how the receptionist responded by asking if I had come last night. I also didn't like the way the nurse made me feel when I told her I hadn't called my doctor. In my heart, I prayed that I would have another nurse because I wasn't happy about this particular nurse. She seemed a little out of it and wasn't making me feel excited and happy - which I was because I was in labor!! Instead, she was making me feel confused and uneasy. 

I saw her give a look to the other nurses, as to communicate that she had us covered. Damn, I thought. I really hoped I'd get another nurse. She asked us to follow her back to a room. We walked in and the room was dark before she turned some lights on. The first thing I noticed was how big it was. The second thing I noticed was that there weren't any windows. I am a total "natural light" kind of person, and was a little bummed that the room was enclosed. I guess it was alright, seeing that I'd be laboring through the night and it would be dark anyways.

The nurse proceeded to fill out our information in the computer. She mentioned the computer system had changed over recently, so we'd need to be patient with her. I told her that was completely fine, and the only thing we asked is that no one giveaway the gender of the baby since we weren't finding out. She agreed that they wouldn't reveal the gender and told us that they will circle "Gender Surprise" on the white board so that all of the nurses and doctors knew. Great,  I thought, but she failed to go over and circle it on the board, which made my nerves flare up.

She continued asking us questions, until she came to one that made me pause. "Are you going to circumsize?" She asked. My heart dropped. Why would she ask us that if she knew we weren't finding out the gender? She quickly corrected herself, "I mean, if it's a boy, will you circumsize?" A little surprised and in shock, I responded, "Yes." And gave a wink to my husband.

She finished up and left the room. As soon as she did, I looked at Ryan and said, "Do you think she just gave away the gender? Why would she ask about circumsizing if we were having a girl?" He shook his head, "Absolutely not. She wouldn't have made that rookie of a mistake. I'm sure she was just going through the questions." I shrugged it off. Ryan looked at me and said, " I will go ahead and circle 'Gender Surprise' on the board so everyone knows." He read my mind, and walked over to the board, circling "Gender Surprise." My nerves calmed a bit.

The contractions were now coming about every three minutes or so. Ryan was timing them and I was breathing through them. They were painful, but again some more intense than others. There were times I thought I could labor all night through the contraction pain, but then one would hit me and I'd feel that out-of-my body pain where I felt like I needed to clench my fists and grit my teeth through the pain.

The nurse came back in and said she would soon check my dilation. I couldn't wait! I had been wondering how much I had progressed from 2 cm since my 38 week check up. How far dilated I was would then determine whether or not I would get the epidural soon or continue to labor. It would also indicate - possibly - how quickly I would have my baby! The nurse proceeded to check me, and I was at 5cm, she said. I believe it was around 1am.

I felt good that I was 5cm dilated, but like any mother, I had hoped maybe I'd be further along. But again, with the information I was happy. Labor hadn't been too difficult to handle so far. The contraction pain was getting more and more intense though, and I was starting to contemplate when I'd get the epidural. I might have labored another thirty minutes or so before making the decision that an epidural was on the horizon. The contraction pain was starting to get the best of me, and I was starting to feel that out-of-control feeling. Plus, I knew the contractions could pickup at any moment and maybe I'd regret not having gotten it sooner.

The nurse had been MIA. Literally, hadn't been into our room to check on anything. Another contraction hit and I told Ryan that it was getting super painful and that I thought I might want the epidural. "What do you think?" I anxiously asked him. "I mean, there is no point in waiting, right? If I am just going to sit here and labor, I might as well enjoy it." Ryan agreed that this was the best decision. Another hour had passed and I assumed I was likely at 6cm or more, and now was an opportune time for the epidural.

I had hoped that the doctor would be here soon and that they might consider breaking my water to progress labor. I knew my body and knew that breaking my water would speed up the contractions and the whole process in general. Thus, I told him to let the nurse know that I wanted the epidural, and that I wanted it now.

It was maybe close to 2am at this point and I was waiting for Ryan to return back with news of the anesthesiologist's whereabouts. Ryan came back into the room and told me that he was on his way. I felt comforted by this, and with the pain of the next contraction, knew I was making the right decision getting the epidural. 

The anesthesiologist soon walked in and I immediately felt at ease. His enthusiastic and positive demeanor - polar opposite from the nurse's - made me feel calm and taken care of. So much that I hoped he'd stay as long as possible! He was quick to get down to business and handed over the paperwork for signature. I noticed a bulletpoint that pointed out the long-term effects to baby of getting an epidural and I didn't like what I read. It said something about memory loss, and I started to panic. I asked the anesthesiologist and he said that it's all legal jargon, and that he had given his wife the same epidural for her births. I felt like I didn't have any other option. I wasn't going to birth unmedicated. I quickly agreed that I would proceed, and signed.

The nurse helped me up from the bed. My body felt worn and achey from the contraction pain. They then sat me with my legs over the side of the bed. I bent my spine into a cannon-ball shape, which I remember from my previous birth, and he administered the needle. Another anecdote I remember from my previous labor was that the epidural made me feel immediately chilled. So much that I started uncontrollably shaking. This time was no different. I didn't feel necessarily chilled, but I did feel the cool sensation of the medicine running through my body. I started to feel weak; almost like I might faint. Moments later, I heard the beeping of a machine. "Her blood pressure is dropping." the anesthesiologist said. "Am I alright?" I responded nervously. "Yes," he said, "We just need to get your fluid IV working. It wasn't administering properly."

Once they fixed the IV and got me situated on my back, my blood pressure normalized. I started to feel the tingling sensation in my legs and the contraction pain soon subsided. What a relief, I thought. But then before I knew it, I started to feel those uncontrollable shakes. I was shivering; my entire body lightly convulsing from the medication. My teeth chattering as if I was outside in below zero weather. I asked if this was normal. "Yes. Totally normal." the anesthesiologist responded. I felt calmed by his response, and in fact, knew it was normal from my last labor, but also felt nervous about how out-of-control I felt. Ryan and I continued conversation with the anesthesiologist and my mind soon was distracted from the shaking, and before I knew it, I was back to feeling normal.

I was feeling good at this point. My legs felt a bit uncomfortable from the epidural. It felt similar to how your legs might feel if they had fallen asleep. Kind of like that numb, tingling sensation where you want to shake your legs, but also feel unable to shake them. It was a rather annoying feeling, but I reminded myself that anything beat the pain of contractions.

I also encouraged Ryan to fall asleep. It was late and pretty uneventful. The nurse had left us to ourselves. Literally, she hadn't checked on us at all. So I tried to close my eyes to rest, too. In and out of dosing, I would check the clock. I started to wonder why my labor wasn't going faster. My first labor with my first son had been ten hours from the time my water broke to the time I delivered him. I dilated 1 cm every hour, which the nurses told me was very "textbook" for a first labor. Then, my second labor, I had been induced. They had started the Pitocin, which did nothing to progress my contractions, but as soon as the doctor broke my water, the contractions came hard and fast. I ended up delivering my son within three or four hours.

This time, I felt as if labor would indefinitely be faster. The fact that I was sitting here laboring with my bag of waters in tact was a bit baffling to me. I knew that if the doctor broke my water that I'd likely progress faster. My mind started racing wondering why we hadn't gone that route. In fact, where was the doctor? I hadn't seen a doctor all night and my nurse was pretty non-existent. I felt a bit alone and a bit uninformed. I had questions about the process and wanted some answers. Yes, baby was healthy, and I was clearly contracting and slowly dilating, but I knew that breaking my water could potentially get the baby out faster. Wouldn't a faster delivery be both beneficial for mom and baby?

After what felt like a long while, the nurse finally returned. It might have been close to 3:45am when she checked my dilation. I was at around 7cm. I was a bit confused why I hadn't progressed faster. The nurse said, "You're at 7cm. The doctor should be here around 7am, so just relax and I'll come back and check you then." I was starting to get a little impatient, wondering why I hadn't seen my doctor. I also wondered how the nurse could be so calculated as to when the doctor would arrive. 7am? What if I progress faster and have my baby sooner? How can the doctor just assume she can be here at 7am?

Feeling impatient and dissatisfied by what she had said, I asked the nurse, "I have a question. I'm wondering why we haven't broken my water at this point in labor?" I continued, "I don't know a ton about this, but I know with my last son that breaking my water progressed labor much faster. I have a feeling that it will do the same thing this time. Is there a reason we haven't done that?" She paused before responding, then said, "Well, the first reason is that you are Group B Strep. The doctor wants to ensure that the antibiotics are in your system for four hours, which gives enough time to reach the baby. And the second reason is that doctors like their sleep."

What? Sleep? I thought. Doctors like their sleep?? Even though I nodded politely, I was fuming inside. I couldn't fight back my words and responded to the nurse, "I understand that doctors like their sleep, but I know my body. I know that this labor would progress faster if my water was broken. At this point, I am prioritizing the health of myself and of my baby. And the focus should be on that. If for some reason, my baby becomes distressed or if I end up having to have a c-section because the doctor is sleeping, there is going to be a big, big problem." I was stern and fuming; not yelling, but fuming and my heart was racing. The nurse looked back at me somewhat caught off guard, but I honestly didn't care. I meant business. I can't remember how we ended the conversation, but it left me feeling empty and angry.

I didn't understand why the doctor wasn't here, and felt betrayed that I wasn't able to speak with a doctor, much less my doctor. I also was hugely upset that the doctor was prioritizing her sleep over the birth of my baby. I was mad. Where the hell was she? And if something went wrong because she wanted to "sleep", bigger issues were to follow. Yes, I somewhat understood the argument about Group B Strep and the doctor wanting antibiotics in my system for four hours. But at the same time, I had been Group B Strep with my first pregnancy and had never heard of this four-hour rule. In fact, if the four-hour requirement were such a big deal, then why didn't they explain this to patients the moment you tested positive for Group B Strep? Wouldn't it be imperative that you arrive to the hospital in a more timely manner to avoid going under the four hour requirement? Wouldn't they urge you to get there ASAP to ensure the safety of your baby? I just didn't buy it. Something felt very off to me, and I was pissed that the nurse had responded in this way, and also that I had been put in this situation.

Ryan assured me that everything was okay, but I still felt intuitively wrong about the situation and how it had been handled. I told Ryan that he could go back to sleep, and that I was fine, but I really wasn't. 

A few moments or maybe even several minutes later, the resident doctor entered my room. She introduced herself as such and proceeded to ask me how I was doing. Still fuming, I asked her the same question in the most respectful way, "I don't mean to act like I know more than I do. But I'm wondering why they haven't broken my water at this point. I had my water was broken in my last birth and it really progressed things along. I understand that I am Group B Strep, but I just want to make sure everything is being done in the best way possible to ensure the safety of my baby and I, and that I clearly understand why we aren't doing things if there is a legitimate reason."

Unlike the nurse, the resident responded in the most caring tone with an explanation that was actually comforting. She said something along the lines that there is balance between rupturing membranes too soon, but also not waiting too long. She said there is risk of infection if the membranes are ruptured too soon, and if I wasn't ready to progress that could be a problem. But also waiting too long to rupture membranes may also present an issue, as well. (I can't identify the reason she said now looking back). Regardless, she very much professionally gave a factual response to why there is a balance between waiting to rupture the membranes and the rationale for that. She further said that my body is naturally doing what it needs to be doing right now, and baby is doing his or her job and there is no distress, so to keep along this path, and that is the best route to laboring at this point.

Again, I felt rather calmed by this response unlike I did by the nurse's "sleeping response". The resident was caring and offered a clear explanation that put me at ease. I felt good going forward and decided to relax and rest.

It was nearing 6:30am and the nurse had mentioned that there would be a shift change at 7am. She also had told me that my doctor would be here at this point, so you can imagine how much I had been anticipating the clock to strike seven. After laboring all night, I was finally ready to see my doctor, to meet my baby, and also for a new nurse! It was a new day, it was a new vibe, and I was thankful that we were close. 

Around 7am, my parents arrived at the hospital. (Long story short - they didn't understand that I was actually at the hospital laboring from my initial phone call telling them that I was having contractions, then never received, or actually slept through, the text message that I sent telling them that I was heading to the hospital. Good news is that they got to sleep through a rather uneventful night of me laboring at the hospital. More good news of me laboring through the night was that they were now here, and I felt happy they were.)

I excitedly explained to my parents how my labor had started. Then proceeded to say I had been laboring all night, but  had gotten the epidural and felt good. I also told them that I wasn't impressed with the nurse and the controversy about having been told that my doctor wanted to "sleep". Despite the resident making the situation better, I still was upset by the entire situation and couldn't shake it.

Momentarily, the new nurse entered the room. She introduced herself and started telling me what was about to go down. "You're doing great," she said. "The good news is that the doctor is on her way. It is no longer going to be Dr. xxxx, it is going to be Dr. yyyy. She is on her way and she will be here at 8am." I looked at the clock - something I felt like I had been doing all night long - and had 45 minutes until then. I went from feeling on top of the world that my baby would be in my arms in minutes to feeling so defeated that I had to wait yet again. 

Emotions hit me dead on and I couldn't help but burst into tears. Even though it was only 45 minutes away, I had been waiting on a doctor's arrival all night. It wasn't fair, nor was it right. The nurse had promised that the doctor would be here at 7am. Tears flooded down my face and the nurse looked at me bewildered. "I'm so sorry," I proceeded. "I don't mean to be difficult. I have just been waiting all night to speak with my doctor. I feel misinformed. They had promised she would be here by 7am and that it would be Dr. xxxx. I don't know why she isn't here or isn't coming after I allowed her to sleep all night, and I just feel ready."

The nurse agreed that she would make it better. She could see the pain in my face and hear it in my voice. I turned over to see my dad fuming. If anyone knows my father, you'll know that he protects his girls with the fiercest loyalty - to the point where he will go to any length to make sure we are okay. This situation wasn't any different, and I could see the fight in his eyes. Someone was going down, and it wasn't going to be pretty. "Dad," I said anxiously, "Just please be nice because I don't want them to be mean to me if we make them. mad." I felt tangled in this moment. So hurt that my doctor was nowhere to be found and that she wasn't here when they said she would be. At the same time, I knew that my dad would make it right.

My dad and husband exited the room. In a few short moments, I could hear a serious conversation being had just outside the door. I'm not sure who it was between, but I knew something was going down. The nurse came in to comfort me, and said she was going to make it right and that I had no reason to worry. I apologized profusely, but also vented the truth of my feelings about how let down I felt by my doctor. She told me that she admired me, and admired my dad for advocating for me, "What your dad is doing is right," she said, "This goes to show that you will never stop fighting for your kids."

In a matter of moments, a woman entered the room and introduced herself, "Hello, Brooke. I am zzzz, head of Labor and Delivery. I want you to know that we are going to make this situation right. Dr. yyyy is on her way right now but she is stuck in traffic. We have a partnering physician that is here. He is not within your doctor's practice, but he covers some of their deliveries in the event they cannot be present. His name is Dr. Welsh. I can get him in here right now if you are ready to have this baby. Please let me know."

The last thing I wanted was to cause anymore trouble, but I was ready. I looked at her and said, "Yes. Please. I would like him to check where I'm at and see if I am ready. If he agrees that I am ready, I would like to have this baby." She responded, "Great. I'll get him and be right back."

Momentarily, Dr. Welsh appeared and immediately I felt happy. His presence was calming and his energy was contagious. For the first time since coming to the hospital, I felt like I was protected, advocated for and in good hands. Dr. Welsh got things moving along, and communicated that he would be checking me. He and the nurse stood at the foot of the bed and lifted up the blanket. Their eyes widened at what they saw and the nurse quickly said, "Yep. You're water is about to rupture on its own. It is literally coming out of you." She communicated that she would break my water. I agreed, and she informed me that it had been done. The doctor quickly checked me. "Yep. She's at a 10. She is ready to go." he said. They organized the delivery table and go me setup to push. The nurse walked me through the process, and I let her know that I kind of had forgotten how to push.

It came time to push and she let me know. I pushed with all of my might, until they quickly told me, "Stop! Your baby is coming. We've got to get everything ready." They organized a bit more, called in a resident with my approval, and then let me know that it was time. I gave one short push and they told me baby's head was here. They said one last push and baby would be here. I gave it my all and they said the body was out. He cried immediately! They handed baby to me, and I saw that his chord was tangled around him and there was not one, but TWO knots in his umbilical chord. I lifted him up and saw it there... another PENIS!! And my world was changed forever. I knew it all along, sweet boy. Beauden Nash Raybould. We KNEW it was you.

I asked the nurse if he was okay because he was crying and the chord had been tangled, but she assured me that he was PERFECT and that a knot in the umbilical chord was good luck. Good luck twice over, ​I thought. My baby, we did it!

As soon as I held him in my arms, I felt overwhelmed by emotion. Overwhelmed by how my labor had gone down; overwhelmed by the entire fiasco and turn of events, but I was passed it. I had my baby in my arms and I was floating on cloud nine. We proceeded to solidify his name, and allowed my parents in the room. Beauden was swaddled in his blue swaddle as my parents entered, and they excitedly asked what it was.... "Another BOY!" We exclaimed. And they couldn't help but laugh and smile. Love filled the room and everything felt right in the world.

That is, until Dr. xxxx came into the room. She proceeded to profusely apologize for the turn of events. Beauden was still crying and I thought it fitting given that the doctor was spewing words that quite frankly, I couldn't hear nor did I really care to hear. I appreciated the apology, but I felt wronged by the situation. I kept acknowledging that it was just a miscommunication and that it really was alright. I really didn't want to be having this conversation, while holding my new baby in my arms. It was over. I wanted to move forward and be with my baby, and couldn't wait for her to stop talking. I believe she said something along the lines that she was in the loop the entire time with the nurse, knew what was happening. She was here at 6:30am but for whatever reason didn't come to my room, and wish she knew that I wanted to see her. Anyways, like I said, I really just wanted to end the conversation and enjoy my baby. Soon after, she left and I was happy. 

Then doctor number two, Dr. yyyy, came into the room. Literally, right after. Likewise, she proceeded to apologize. I honestly didn't want to hear it. Once again, I wanted to float with my baby during this moment, and didn't care to come back down to the turn of events that had led up to this. I nodded, but really was in another world. I was with my baby and everything else melted away.

In summary, that is the story of how little Beauden came into the world. All 6 lbs, 15 oz and 20 inches of him. The postpartum care was phenomenal and the nurses were completely on-point. I feel lucky, to be honest, and oh-so appreciative of them, especially after what I had gone through. My L+D 7am shift nurse gave me a huge hug before departing. I even asked for a photo with her and thanked her for going to bat for me. I appreciated it more than she knew.

And I recount this story, once again, not to make any part of the medical community look bad, but instead to share what I really went through. As a mother, you dream of going into labor, literally since the day you become pregnant. Heck, even before that. You dream of going into labor even as a little girl, or at least I did! It is one of those monumental moments that comes but only once, twice, or maybe even three times, if you're lucky. It is a day that you look forward to, always remember and hold to one of the highest standards. You get one shot and then it's over. As my third time going through this and possibly my last time, I felt let down. Not by any standard that the hospital failed to meet or by any protocol that they got wrong (or even got right). What I was most upset by and disappointed in was how I was treated. And yes, I think both doctor and nurse maybe forgot that this moment is held to such a high standard in a mother's mind. Of course, like I said, they could have done everything right, and I may have been DEAD wrong on the idea that they should have broken my water, but the way I felt laboring through the night literally in the dark with poor explanatory responses was the part that failed.

But bigger than poor bedside manner and the miscommunication that happened was the ending to my story. Dr. Welsh literally saved the day!! From a situation that left me in tears of sadness to be turned around to tears of joy and my healthy baby boy in my arms, everything happened as it should have.

I'm thankful that I started labor at the perfect time - literally the day family arrived in town! I'm thankful that I started labor at 39 weeks, and just one-day shy of my due date, I mean, how ideal?! I am thankful that labor started on its own and that I was able to avoid the membrane sweep and induction. I am thankful that my husband was by my side and we got to peacefully enjoy the labor process (at least for moments throughout). I am thankful for my second nurse who fought tooth and nail for me. I'm thankful my parents were able to be present. And most of all, I am thankful that my baby boy is in my arms. Everything else is static.

In the delivery room, when ish was going down, my mom told me, "You know too much, Brooke." Referring to me inquiring about why they hadn't artificially ruptured my membranes. And she said it in the kindest way possible. And to a certain level, I agree with her. I knew enough to be dangerous in the delivery room. I am not a doctor. I don't know anything in comparison to what they know about labor and delivery. They carry out hundreds and thousands of births over the years and have knowledge that surpasses mine. Again, my doctor could have done everything right in this situation, it was only the fact that it felt wrong to me.

But what I want to encourage other mamas to do... is to be an advocate for yourself in the delivery room. I read this piece of advice before going into labor, which was ironically given by a labor and delivery nurse on Instagram. She said that we can listen to advice and protocols that the hospital gives us, but at the end of the day, you can be your own voice in the delivery room. I couldn't agree with her more.

I don't regret challenging the nurse. At the end of the day, I wanted to ensure that my baby's and my health was being prioritized. I wasn't rude. I wasn't condescending. I simply spoke up for what I believed to be right in the moment - whether it was right or wrong. And there is nothing wrong with that at all. All I asked for was a response. And when I wasn't happy with the response, I fought harder. This to me, is indicative of what it means to be a parent, as the nurse told me. My dad fought for me. And you better believe I will fight for my baby. Right or wrong, I will never stand down if I feel that something is jeopardizing my baby, and I encourage you to do the same.

That's all for now mamas. Thank you so much for the support. And so much love to all the little babes out there. Motherhood ain't easy, and it starts well before you're in that hospital room. 

xx,

​Brooke

Hey mamas!
At 35 weeks, I am getting antsy for the big day. My body is changing and those pre-labor symptoms are starting to emerge. One of the most noteworthy pre-labor symptoms has been the Braxton Hicks contractions. While not constant, I notice that the Braxton Hicks are generally more prominent with movement or when I workout. While Braxton Hicks can be annoying and unpredictable, I remind myself that they are my body's way of preparing for labor. But, the truth is, I have a hard time identifying whether or not they are real contractions or not. This got me thinking about the idea of being able to track them. Was there a product out there that allowed for the tracking of contractions?
​
Tracking contractions would be beneficial for several reasons...
​

• I'd be able to understand better if labor was close or not.
• I wouldn't have to guess if what I felt was a real contraction or not a contraction at all.
• I'd be able to accurately understand my contraction patterns and more specifically, if my contractions hit the 511 pattern.
• We don't have family around to help watch our boys, so truly understanding if I am in labor is very important.
• My husband works full-time, and I'd hate to give him a false alarm about whether or not I was actually in labor.
• Lastly, I'd love to alert my parents, seeing that they live out of town to give them enough time to travel out for baby's big debut.

These are many reasons why a contraction monitor would allow for peace of mind as I approach the big day. And, to my luck, I came across a woman's health company called Bloomlife, which offers a technologically advanced contraction tracker. Woo hoo! Here is a little more about the company, the contraction tracker, and my personal experience.

There are three parts to the Bloomlife tracker:  app, sensor, reusable patch. ​

BLOOMLIFE APP
The app is available in the app store but does not work without the sensor and patch. Bloomlife designed the information interface alongside members of the birth community to cleanly highlight the most valuable data. To me, the most noteworthy stats from the app include:

• Real-time view, which quickly answers the, “Am I having a contraction?” question as it associates a sensation with a visual on the graph.
• Contraction pattern bar, which answers the questions, “Are the contractions regular or irregular?” by providing a simple hour-long view of contraction patterns. It also displays rhythm to see if contractions get closer together or further apart.
• Contractions stats (my personal favorite), which answer the questions, “How far apart? How long do they last?” After an hour of measurement, averages for duration and frequency is displayed.

SENSOR, PATCH + CHARGER
​In addition to the app, the sensor, patch and charger are included in the package. The sensor and patch can be taken on and off your body for up to one week. Clear directions are included in the package to help you understand how to easily attach the sensor to the patch, how to attached the patch to your body, and also how to remove and store the patch. As a side note, the sensor battery life outlives the patch life, but Bloomlife recommends charging fully each time the sensor is snapped out of the patch. ​​

Like all moms, this question was the most important consideration before using the product. And the answer is, yes, the product is 100% safe! In the exact words from a Bloomlife professional, this was the response I got with respect to safety:

"Bloomlife is completely passive - it reads bioelectrical signals from the uterine muscle - meaning it doesn't send any waves of any kind into Mom's body. We've designed every aspect of Bloomlife for safety, including this little piece. The level of energy from Bloomlife's Bluetooth (Bluetooth LE, "Low Energy") is 100 times lower than cellphone level and 1,000 times lower than the safety levels defined by the regulatory bodies. We've also done extensive testing to show that the Specific Absorption Rate (how much energy gets through the tissue) is so low that any energy from Bloomlife's Bluetooth signal does not actually enter Mom's body whatsoever. Hope that helps answer some questions!!"

After my second pregnancy (now on my third), I grew more interested in my ability to track contractions. At 37 weeks, my doctor had assured me that I would go into labor "any day now" because I was 3cm dilated and having pretty consistent Braxton Hicks. With the consistency of the BH's, I too, knew that labor must be close. However, I persisted on through 41 weeks and had to be induced with my second son. While my induction process went ever so smoothly, I did birth a big baby: he was 9 lbs. 3 oz. Looking back on this process, had I been able to identify or track my contractions more consistently, I feel like I could have more clearly dictated the terms of my labor experience. Hindsight is always 20/20, but maybe I would have opted to have my membranes swept at 40 weeks, rather than going seven days past my due date only to be induced. Again, who knows what I would have done in this situation, but I do feel a contraction tracker would have been helpful.
Fast forward to my third pregnancy, and I am most interested in the ability to track my contractions for the aforementioned reasons. Because I birth big babies, I like the idea of knowing whether or not labor is close and feel that having a contraction tracker, such as the Bloomlife, will empower me with that information. Sure. Labor will happen when it is going to happen, but for someone like me who has had vaginal deliveries in the past, I fear that if I go over 40 weeks, I may end up with a 10+ lbs baby with the possibility of a c-section in my future. If I can avoid this, I'd love to do so, and by understanding my contractions, I think I will be able to paint a more accurate picture of labor and delivery as opposed to what I went through with my last pregnancy.
So I did it! I have partnered with Bloomlife after researching innovative companies that allow mamas to track contractions. Bloomlife suggests starting the contraction tracking process ideally around 34 weeks, which was perfect for me at 35 weeks pregnant. Upon receiving the Bloomlife package, I opened the box, and was excited to start monitoring my contraction journey! After all, I was 35 weeks pregnant and labor could happen at any moment. Opening the package lid, I found a sensor, patch and charger, which were displayed in an organized fashion, along with a quick guide. I quickly opened the guide and got started!
Within the quick guide was five easy steps to follow. The first step was super easy: download the app. I found the Bloomlife app easily, downloaded it, and setup a profile with very basic information. I then proceeded to the following steps to get the patch attached to the sensor, and then to attach both to my belly. Within minutes, I was ready to go! Next, I started a session and waited about five minutes for the sensor to calibrate. Note: you must be resting during this process, as any movement can throw off the tracker.
After calibration, I sat peacefully for about an hour, checking in and out of the application as it tracked my contractions. I will add that the app is extremely user-friendly with straight forward features, allowing me to see any peaks in contractions, the duration of those contractions and the frequency.
After my hour spent of tracking contractions, the app simply summarized my information. I found that I had contracted twice during the hour with the average contraction lasting in a duration of 1 minute and 30 seconds. While I found that tracking the contractions during the day was exciting and helpful, I also knew that Bloomlife recommends tracking contractions through the night in order to get the most accurate reading. So, this is what I did! I tracked my contractions over night and this is what I found...
They were somewhat all over the place, but I did get the most accurate results when I did complete the full overnight reading. In fact, there was one night in which I apparently experienced an hour of contractions coming every 10 minutes. That is crazy! Almost as if if I were awake, I'd think to possibly call my doctor. Aside from that, I use the tracker for an hour before bed and haven't had huge traction. Stay tuned for more Bloomlife updates!

Okay, ladies... we are in the final homestretch and I can't believe it. Here are my 32 weeks pregnancy stats!

Went to the doctor today. I must say, my doctor's visits during this third pregnancy are very uneventful. I feel like I walk into the room and the doctor and I sort of stare at each other, mulling over what to talk about without having much to say. Overall, I am thankful for that, just getting myself to the doctor is a bit annoying at this point. But yes, everything is looking healthy, which I am overly grateful for. General stats: my blood pressure was 104/64 and my weight gain was around 25 pounds. I hoped to weigh a little less at this point, but what is a girl to do. I am pretty on track to maintain a 35 pound pregnancy weight gain if I can hold it together, which I assume that I can. If not, whatever!
One noteworthy update is that the doctor said I was measuring at 31 weeks rather than at 32 weeks. I was slightly annoyed by this because no woman likes to measure on the smaller side. For starters, no pregnant woman likes to think that her due date will be even further out of reach. And secondly, I just don't like the idea of having a small baby. I'm not used to it because my boys were all high 8, low 9 pounders. The idea of a "small" baby just doesn't sit right with me for a multitude of reasons. Not only that, but my doctor changed my due date at my 12 week scan, pushing it earlier. I kind of argued with her, telling her that my cycles were 32 days and so my due date was probably later, if anything. But she corrected me, and said it would be a good idea to move up the due date by several days. Instead of September 15th, the due date was now going to be September 10th.
After she adjust my due date, the thought settled in and I was actually excited that my due date was going to be earlier, because like all women, I want to go into labor sooner rather than later (so long as baby is full-term). Now fast forward to today, and the doc is saying that I am measuring at 31 weeks rather than 32 weeks, and I'm kind of like, well, if y'all wouldn't have changed my due date, we would have been right on time!
And then, she added on top of that, that the baby might be smaller? Smaller? I thought. No, no. I don't birth small babies. Rhett was 8 pounds 13 ounces and Vance was 9 pounds 3 ounces. The whole small baby thing isn't part of my genetic code. Needless to say, I left the appointment a bit baffled. So I took it to Instagram and texted friends their experiences.
I think the general plan at this point is to see how the baby is measuring at my 36 week ultrasound. If the baby is measuring at least 7 to 8 pounds, I am going to opt for my membranes to be swept at 39 weeks. If the baby is measuring smaller, I will go ahead and wait until 40 weeks. The reason I want my membranes swept is because I opted out during my last pregnancy and ended up having to be induced at 41 weeks, and had a 9 lbs 3 oz baby! I slightly fear that I'll have a 10 pound baby this time, which is totally fine so long as I can still have a vaginal birth. I only worry if I wait too long that the risk of a big baby will make a candidate for a c section. So ya, I am trying to be somewhat strategic about my birth plan.

Getting my seven day a week workouts in, and feeling great! Well, I say feeling "great", but I most definitely feel like a pregnant woman trying to workout. It is not nearly close to the same as working out while not pregnant. My lower back hurts, I am less coordinated, I get round ligament pain and sometimes Braxton Hicks or regular contractions with certain body movements. On top of that, I am unable to do some of the workouts that I love, such as running and spin. I also have to modify quite a few exercises for safety purposes, such as ab workouts and the like. But aside from this, which I am trying not to complain, just to illustrate that I am DEFINITELY modifying my workouts to suit my pregnant body, I feel very proud of myself for maintaining a workout routine on a daily basis and fully promote that the benefits far outweigh the risks.
My favorite workouts at this point are step class and tabata. On the weekends, when I don't go to a workout class, I do a Kayla workout with my husband. I highly recommend workout CLASSES for pregnant mamas. Personally, it motivates me to go to the gym and to finish a workout. It also leads me into something I probably wouldn't otherwise do. And I can drop my kids off at childcare. Anyways, I feel SO good after my workout; the endorphin rush is amazing. I feel energized through the day until about 2pm when I start to slow down.

My diet is faring well. I am trying to hold it together, but it does get more difficult in the third trimester. I feel hungrier and also bigger. I am focusing on feeding baby, making sure I eat regularly but not too much in one setting so that I don't ignite acid reflux, which has been present in the third trimester. 

On Wednesday, the boys and I leave for California to celebrate my sister's baby shower - yay! Not only am I excited to talk all things baby with her, I'm excited that this trip will change up the pace and hopefully make these last few weeks of pregnancy go by a bit faster. From California, we then fly to Colorado with my parents - and are there for another 8 or 9 days. Then, we fly home and then a few days later fly out to Park City with my husband's family! Whoa. So much travel. But honestly, those final weeks of pregnancy tend to drag and I am so thankful that I will have travel to keep me busy. I just hope I am able to maintain my diet and exercise routine while on the road.

Okay, so I was TOTALLY boy mode for pretty much my entire pregnancy, but now that the doctor says that the baby is measuring smaller, I think there is a chance it could be a baby girl. To be honest, having a girl has me all anxious! HA! I really don't know why. I honestly just have feelings of anxiety around having a girl, even though I would love a girl. I feel a little more comfortable with the idea of having a boy for some reason. I know that when the baby gets here and we realize what he or she is, everything will feel perfect, but I cannot deny these feelings! Again, my feelings don't dictate preference; they are just to show my natural reaction to a pregnancy. We would be over the moon (for different reasons) with either gender!!

That's all for now, mamas! Stay tuned for these final pregnancy updates!

xo,

​Brooke

In celebration of The Hills: New Beginnings returning to MTV, I wanted to share a special story from one of my longest and dearest friends, Dr. Jennifer Dunphy. You may have heard of her back in her heyday when she was formerly known as "Jen Bunney from The Hills." Despite what you see on the reboot of The Hills today, much has changed for Jen since then. Not only has she successfully completed her PhD making her a doctor, but even bigger, she recently became a mother. But the road to having a baby and recovering from childbirth wasn't easy. In fact, Jen would agree that her work on her doctorate and as a top executive at a major healthcare firm seemed like a walk in the park compared to her initial introduction to motherhood.

Today, I wanted to share her birth story that reflects both the beauty of childbirth but also the difficulty that sometimes follows labor and delivery. Her story is here to elucidate the things that often go untalked about. But not today.

Similar to Jen, as you will read in her story, I suffered from postpartum depression and anxiety. A story that you can read here. While both of our stories are entirely unique in their own right, we hope to make it clear that postpartum trauma is real, happens more often than you think and comes in a multitude of forms. Not only that, but it is something we hope can be discussed openly - both individually by mothers and collectively by healthcare organizations. Personally, I had very few tools to deal with my postpartum situation that ensued six months post delivery, which included a loss of vision, panic attacks, insomnia, migraine headaches, depression and anxiety, all wrapped up in an inability to care for my two young children. Partner that with doctors without answers, and it can leave a new mother feeling very vulnerable when she is already in one of her most vulnerable states.

Coming from two women who had relatively uncomplicated, low risk pregnancies, and then to be faced with life-threatening symptoms and zero answers, we hope more stories can be shared. Not to place more fear around labor and delivery and the aftermath that may follow, but to educate women for preparedness in hopes of achieving more answers, and also so that women no longer feel alone. Again today, I share Jen's story. In her words. Buckle in!

I just texted my best friend, “Wow. How intense having a child is should be a PSA”. Spoiler alert on my labor story… I had a hard time. I always knew about post partum depression and what signs to look out for, but no one ever, not once, mentioned anything about post partum anxiety. Nor, did they mention that there is a difference between normal anxiety that you may suffer from in everyday life, even bad anxiety, and what I like to call the post partum apocalypse. I have grown into a fairly private person, but because of the severity of what I perceived my experience to be I decided to share it. 
 
The first thing you should know about post partum anxiety is that the symptoms closely mimic life threatening symptoms. So, when you experience a “panic attack”, you generally are experiencing symptoms, which if you have after delivery, probably do warrant a trip to the emergency room just to make sure. It also makes having post partum anxiety TERRIFYING, because it could ALSO be heart failure or some other very serious condition during a very high risk period for moms. Thus, you basically have your anxiety and then anxiety about your anxiety. ​

I had to be induced as I was quickly approaching 42 weeks without a lot of progress in dilation , I had no major complications during my pregnancy other than some very bothersome nausea/migraines. But, at the end of the day although it was uncomfortable I was healthy and the baby was healthy as I was going into labor. I felt very lucky to have gotten through my ~ten months of pregnancy with a healthy baby and with none of the scary conditions some of my friends have had like pre-eclampsia. I didn’t want to be induced as I felt GREAT in my third trimester (much better than the first or the second), but it was time because studies show that the risks go up (for both mom and baby) if the baby doesn’t come before 42 weeks and so I was 41 and 3 days scheduled for my induction. 
 
On my way into the hospital I started to get really nervous not knowing what to expect and I remember the thought flashed through my mind, what if I don’t come back out. We checked in and they made us wait an hour and then go back home because someone had taken our room who was 7 cm dilated (I was zero). Fine with me! Finally, they called us back in at 11 pm on February 28th 2019. We were admitted to L&D and my goal was to remain relaxed as much as possible. Still, I started trembling uncontrollably once we were back at the hospital and wouldn’t stop full body shaking for the next 30 hours. 
 
When we arrived they checked out the baby in the first room to make sure he was good and he was doing GREAT, they said they rarely see a baby heart rate and ultrasound look so good at almost 42 weeks. This gave me a lot of (false) confidence. They transferred me to the delivery room and hooked me up to the IV’s, they also started my antibiotics because I was GBS positive. This was no big deal for me, I don’t love needles but I also am not a scaredy cat and have a high pain tolerance. After that they gave me the pill to start labor called cytotec--the nurse told me its a very common first step for inductions, and hardly has any side effects….she said it would take 4-12 hours to work and start dilation by instigating mild contractions. They gave me the pill and told me to relax. I took the medication--down the hatch--and told my husband to start a movie for us so I could calm down and relax and get into this experience which seemed like it would be a long haul since I was 0 cm dilated. I was feeling good and ready to get the show on the road. This whole induction thing wasn’t so bad so far….
 
Within about 5 five minutes I started feeling sharp pains, I told my hubs, I feel something weird it actually really hurts. Since I have a pretty high pain tolerance I thought this was odd, but maybe my body was just adjusting. The pains continued and I tried to distract myself with the movie. All of a sudden the nurse rushed into the room and called for help. They tried to act calm but I could tell something was wrong. I couldn’t IMAGINE what, my baby and I had been healthy together for 10 months what could go wrong NOW?!  She said the baby is in distress (heart rate was too low for too long a period of time) and is not tolerating the medication you took.  I started very frantically asking questions about why, and she basically told me to shut up because we need to concentrate and fix the problem. She asked me to lay on my left side and take deep breaths. It wasn’t working. I was starting to hyper contract (very fast and hard contractions)--this was a very odd reaction to a medication supposed to cause only mild contractions and dilation over the course of 12 hours. Then, I was told to get on all fours and they gave me oxygen. At that point, facing the wall on all fours in my hospital bed breathing in oxygen from a mask I figured I was just seconds away from getting rushed into an emergency c-section to save the baby. I told myself that the only thing that mattered was getting the baby out in time and to do whatever was humanly possible to make that happen. Then they told me they had to give me a shot to reverse the effect of the pill and stop the contractions. They gave me the shot in my butt while I was still on all fours--within what seemed like seconds the baby stabilized with normal heart rate. Thank god. However, the shot made my heart go very fast and I started throwing up and got really sick (a small price to pay my baby was okay) I was shaking so badly it was like I was convulsing. To put this in context, this was only about fifteen minutes into my labor experience. Needless to say, I was off to a rocky start. I believe this experience was the start of my anxiety and I never really was able to relax after that--for months. 
 
The rest of the labor went by pretty seamlessly, but I will give a quick summary. I wasn’t dilated at all, so I had a doctor attempt to thread a foley balloon--which actually WORKED. They also started low dose pitocin and within 12 hours I was dilated to 5 cm. At that point, they decided it was time to progress the labor and break my water (which I was not looking forward too). I haven’t mentioned pain because I wasn’t in any (really, it was weird). I know I have a high pain tolerance but I did not expect zero pain. Sure, I was a bit uncomfortable, but I expected pain like in the movies and I was ready for it but it just didn’t come. 
 
When they came in to give me epidural the anesthesiologist asked me to rate my pain level 1-10, I told him 1 and he asked why I wanted it. I had heard things really pick up after getting the water broken so I decided to go ahead and get it since I was afraid of how bad it would become after the water was broken.  The epidural was truly painless and the drugs made me numb legs down as expected. The OB came in not five minutes later and broke my water, which was also completely painless, and then they inserted a catheter and an internal contraction monitor so that they would know how high to put my Pitocin dosage. From there they upped my pitocin so that my contractions were exactly the interval apart that they wanted. After a few hours of this, post water breaking I started to feel some pain and had to push the button to up my epidural a few times but it was honestly no big deal and I could have been fine without more meds I was just getting more uncomfortable and my discomfort seemed to be coming with less time of relief in between. The nurse told me to press the button because she said when the pain starts and people want relief the meds often “can’t catch up” to the pain. I didn’t want that to happen and had no idea how bad it was going to get it, so I PUSHED THAT BUTTON! At this point about 27 hours in I was STILL shaking uncontrollably and all they would give me to calm down and rest was a low dose of benedryl. Even so, I did not sleep the entire labor, not for a minute. 
 
The nurse said if you start to feel pressure call me, so when I did she came and checked and I was 10 cm dilated! I pushed for about 30 minutes and a beautiful healthy baby boy was delivered on March 1st 2019! I was SO relieved to be done, I couldn’t believe the baby was here and I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I was actually feeling good, my nerves finally, finally calmed, I was so tired I could hardly see, I just wanted to relax and when the baby came I was in shock/completely sleep deprived and just sort of stared at him. As the doctor was finishing up and the cord was cut the next ball dropped…
 
My OB told me I had started hemorrhaging. To stop the bleeding they had to give me yet another shot, they said it was different than the last shot. I remember telling the doctor I felt fine and ask if I really needed the shot, he said yes. I didn’t want it, especially after what happened last time. I obviously wasn’t tolerating these shots very well. This one was called methergen. About 5 minutes after I got it ,my heart started going very fast and I became to experience chest pain and overall I just didn’t feel right. Shortly after that I started throwing up, which doesn’t really happen to me personally unless I am very sick.  It felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I had never experienced anything like this before and to top that off, I was 29 hours sleep deprived.  My blood pressure started going up and my heart starting skipping beats and I felt like I had just run a marathon (which maybe I had). I was scared I was potentially having serious cardiac complications. I kept asking them to check me out, and they kept telling me I just had anxiety and maybe they should call in a social worker. (WTF) Finally, at my husband’s request they did some blood tests to check for a heart attack including measuring troponins, and performed an EKG. (they also checked me for anemia) I asked for something to calm me down to see if that would help relax my heart rate and they gave me a little ativan in my IV which did seem to help. My values were elevated but not abnormal, and since everything checked out and baby was fine, they moved me into the post-delivery room where we stayed for two days. Everything was fine whenever they checked me out, the bleeding slowed, and I was cleared for discharge two days later. I was extremely tired and had trouble moving around easily, getting out of breath, but I figured that was normal considering I just had a baby. I was discharged on a Sunday and by Monday I definitely felt like something was wrong. 
 

At home, I was having trouble doing simple things like going to the bathroom and going upstairs without feeling very out of breath and feeling the urgent need to sit down (like you just worked out as hard as you can and if you don’t sit down you will pass out). I would also get dizzy breastfeeding.  I had pain when I took a deep breath, my heart rate was pretty high all of the time and I was having some high blood pressure readings (although no swelling). I also felt like I had fluid in my lungs or pressure (like an elephant sitting on my chest) whenever I bent down. 

Then in the afternoon the day after I was discharged I was breastfeeding and started seeing black spots and my heart rate accelerated out of nowhere. I took my blood pressure and it was 140/100 and my i-watch told me my heart rate at rest was 135. So I layed down and tried to calm down, lucky my mom was with me and my husband was around the corner running an errand. After about 3 minutes it got better and I sat up and then it started again. I thought I was going to pass out for the first time in my life my heart was beating so fast from no stimulus at all and my body started feeling like something was happening to it. My right side started to feel really weird like it was swelling but on one side only, my vision wasn’t right either.  Since I was in such a high risk period and experiencing some pretty scary symptoms of which I had never had anything like before, I ended up calling 911. I thought I could have been having a stroke or a heart attack. The paramedics rushed in my house and all I could think of was, I really hope they save me in time. They told me all my vitals were stabilized and it was safe to get driven to the ER. My husband took me to the ER where they performed a series of tests including a chest x ray, CT scan of my chest, EKG, blood work and an echo cardiogram. 
 
We weren’t actually expecting to find anything so when the ER doctor told us he thinks he found fluid around my heart we were shocked—this is called a pericardial effusion and CAN be life threatening, but not necessarily. It was horrible and my monitors were alarming the whole time because my heart rate and blood pressure were out of control.  I had never seen my husband look worried before in his life and he did at that moment. Finally, the cardiologist came in to tell us more. The first thing I remember asking the doctor is I am not going to die right, and he didn’t answer me--just launched into what was going on. That also didn’t help. On top of that I knew that heart failure in pregnancy, of which I had all the symptoms, had a 30% mortality rate. I kept thinking my beautiful baby is only 3 days old, he needs me to survive. I don’t want him to grow up without a mom, I can’t leave him now. I kept thinking what bad luck this all was and I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I even thought about telling my husband how I wanted to raise him and to bring him to me if I needed to be admitted to the hospital so I could see him one last time. At this point thinking I was going to potentially not make it multiple times in one day, and this all going on only 2 days after giving birth with hormones and sleep deprivation, resulted in me basically losing it. If you imagine a scale of flight or fight adrenaline with 1 being sleeping and 10 being going down on a burning plane, I was a 10. 
 
 My husband kept telling me I needed to calm down because we didn’t know what was wrong yet and this extreme anxiety could make it worse--that didn’t help. The next step was finding out how much fluid there was. The doctor said that if the fluid was too large, or there was hemodynamic issues (meaning the heart wasn’t beating right and the ejection fraction is too low) I would need to drain the fluid and have a heart procedure--right away. That next period of time , waiting to see what was going to happen to me, was the scariest of moment of my entire life. They did the chest CT and luckily, it showed the fluid was not causing my heart to function poorly and I could probably go home. Finally they decided I could come home to my baby and didn’t need to be admitted. No one wants to think about dying but I actually thought it could to happen to me that entire afternoon and evening. After that experience, I wasn’t able to calm down. 
 
When I got home I was still on edge, I hadn’t had enough tests to know what was going on yet, and I still felt miserable. To be honest, the next few weeks were all a blur. After I got home, I couldn’t reset my system from extreme panic to normal. I refused to take any medication for 6 weeks because I wanted to breast feed and was scared about transferring any to the milk. The doctors asked me to monitor my blood pressure, which I was doing about 4 times a day. One person mentioned you don’t want blood pressure too high because you can have a stroke. So, every time I would take it I would get extremely anxious it was going to be high. I think it was a lot higher than normal but then it would go even higher whenever I would check it. This would then trigger an extreme panic attack. I was getting readings of 160/110 with HR of 166. This was not a mild panic. Once I was able to calm down the blood pressure would go low to about 95/60, so they never put me on BP meds.  My body was more or less just completely freaking out and no one had any answers for me. Inside, I was still constantly scared I was going to die.   
My next echocardiogram showed my heart was functioning normally and that the fluid had gone down quite a bit (but was still there). Still, physically it looked like things were okay. And maybe the fluid could cause a few of the symptoms, such as inflammation or chest pain. But, not all of them.  After a few weeks, I finally got in to see a specialist who was both an OB and cardiologist well versed in these issues-- who said the fluid around my heart was likely caused by a virus I had at the end of my pregnancy or the fluids/stress/inflammation from labor and wasn’t dangerous to me.  My other symptoms they never figured out other than I have a very sensitive system and my autonomic nervous systems was having trouble regulating the changes in fluids and blood pressure and therefore going a little crazy (of course no one tells you this is even possible when you hear what to expect after delivery). Of the six doctors I saw in person, and four others I consulted with over the phone everyone was stumped--no one knew what was causing my symptoms. But, the thing they agreed on was that they thought I was going to be okay--physically (so thankful). I was very relieved I wasn’t on the verge on heart failure, but still felt very off and I was caught in what I call a terror tornado. Every single day, with the sun shining and looking out into my garden on a beautiful day in a safe neighborhood I was feeling extreme terror. I was scared every moment of the day it was almost as if the calming center of my body decided it was going to go on permanent vacation. I was literally in abject terror from the moment I woke up to when I would go to sleep every day for weeks. Although my anxiety had a trigger—this experience I just described-- many with postpartum anxiety have no triggers at all and can have the exact same feelings. More than that it is quite common--much more common than society tells you. I hear so much about postpartum depression but I never even knew postpartum anxiety existed. I thought I was the only one going through this experience. I didn’t want to leave the house and did not want to be left alone with the baby in case I had another attack. I always felt scared and couldn’t relax no matter what I tried.  This went out for about 5 weeks straight, day in and day out. My husband and mom did their best to take care of me but no one could understand how I could be doing so badly when the scary part was over--I was going to live, I might even be healthy. So, what was WRONG with me? I couldn’t really take care of the baby without getting a panic attack, my own baby. I couldn’t get up to change a diaper without feeling super dizzy and out of breath like I had to sit down right away thinking about even getting up to get something made me anxious. There was definitely a component of the physical recovery in all of this in that I was physically not myself, but the anxiety on top of it made everything unbearable. As the days and weeks went on and I kept expecting to feel better and when I didn’t I would get increasingly frustrated. I wasn’t bonding enough with my baby because I just felt horrible all of the time and spending time with him would peak my anxiety. Breastfeeding made my anxiety worse and the cycle would repeat itself with triggers everywhere. There would be glimmers of feeling back to normal and then something would trigger panic. It felt like getting caught in a rip tide and just when you were able to bring your head above the water to take a breath of air you were just as quickly pulled back under again. This cycle continued for quite some time and no one really knew what to do with me. I had people tell me to take medication, to stop breast feeding. But, I was stubborn and didn’t want to do either. So, I just let time pass. Finally, starting at around week 5 I started to notice that things were beginning to improve VERY slightly both physically and mentally. I could get up and not be out of breath and my blood pressure seemed to be slowly stabilizing. It didn’t hurt as much when I took a deep breath and I was getting my appetite back some. I also decided it was time to go on a little bit of medication and I started taking anti-anxiety medication at a very low dose which helped me sleep better and allowed my body to recover and my mind to gain the strength it needed. But, it wasn’t until ten weeks that I really felt any semblance of normality again and I still have anxious/bad days to this day. There is no clean ending to this story, I still have good days followed by bad days but I am significantly better than in those first six weeks. I really wish postpartum anxiety would have been discussed with me as a possibility. In fact, I didn’t even know it existed and when I did find out more about it the dialogue didn’t really expand beyond you may be prone to anxiety after labor. The resources say things like, you may feel irritable toward your partner, or nervous when going out to shop…not you may feel like you going to die every waking hour for approximately 42+ days…and not just kind of feel like you are going to die but actually fully believe you will not live (I didn’t see that anywhere!!!!). The extreme nature of postpartum conditions is played down. Further, there is hardly any differentiation from postpartum depression within any major information resources --but the symptoms are completely different. Postpartum anxiety can be severe and can affect you physiologically including dramatic swings in blood pressure, and heart rate. With more awareness we can get to a more rapid diagnosis and treatment. My baby is doing great, gaining weight and getting good reports from the pediatrician and the better I feel the more we are able to bond and the happier I think that he is. Looking back I would have started on medication sooner, but I know what would have really helped is knowing this exists at this level and talking to someone that had been through this experience to tell me that this isn’t completely crazy and it has happened to them, which is the reason I wanted to share my story.

Hi all! I can't believe I am now counting down the weeks in single digits. I can't wait to meet our little angel. Here is my latest pregnancy update...

Restless legs: at night before bed. Not enough to keep me up at night, but present on and off.
Sciatica: was most prominent a few weeks ago - around 28 to 30 weeks, but has since lightened up. I have a little bit of lower back pain just because I have two boys to look after and carry, and also because I'm working out. So I'm demanding more of my body when it feels a bit more vulnerable.
Lower Uterus Cramping: I can't tell if this is round ligament pain or cramping. I haven't had many Braxton Hicks (tightening sensation); just a lot of cramping and/or round ligament pain.
Trouble Sleeping: A bit of this, simply because I am waking up to use the restroom. Also, I am usually a tired person at night and lately, I feel like I have lots of energy before bed. Almost like I am a bit wired. I am still able to fall asleep, but feel like I have more adrenaline pumping than usual.
Hungrier: This also brings me to the fact that I am hungry before bed. I eat my usual diet but feel some hunger urges right before bed. If I have a little snack it helps me nod off a little better, but quite honestly, I feel nasty in the morning. And it
Swelling: not too much swelling, but a little bit. If I am standing for long periods, I feel the fluid retention in my legs. My wedding ring is getting a bit tight, but fluctuates during the day.
Shortness of breath:  I noticed this when I was reading to the boys the other day. I could barely get through a sentence without needing to catch my breath! Weirdly, it doesn't effect me during my workouts.
Vivid Dreams: I had a dream the other night that my mom birthed my baby! How weird and twisted is that? And my mom is the sweetest, non-dominating person ever. I was so upset that I had carried the baby and then she got the glory of childbirth, ha! I also dreamt that it was a boy and we called him the name that we have in mind :)
General Discomfort: yes. I hate to complain because I do love being pregnant, but I am starting to feel uncomfortable. I am starting to feel bloated and fat, ha! A bit more fatigued; just like I want to sit down all of the time. And also soreness from my workouts and from recurring injuries that I've had from the past. They seem to be flaring up from the relaxed ligaments.
Heartburn: Not a ton of heartburn, but I need to be careful not to eat too much food or too quickly. Generally, I can eat a lot more in one sitting than I can at this point in pregnancy.
Frequent Urination: yes! I usually have to leave my workout class once to pee. I also get up in the middle of the night once or twice to pee.

My diet has been okay. I feel like I've been saying this my entire pregnancy. Sometimes I feel like I am doing great, and other times I feel like I am doing not so great. Today, I feel like I am doing not so great. It is getting harder and harder to eat healthy for whatever reason. I think it is because I feel so large that I am more inclined to eat more. Isn't that an oxymoron? I have always been like that. You'd think I'd eat less because I am bigger. But no. I am eating a tad bit more. I also feel hungrier at night; like I am not satisfied before I go to bed. Usually, I would try and just fall asleep, but I tried the other night and I had a very restless sleep. So then the next night, I tried having a little banana, almond butter and milk before bed, which helped me fall asleep and stay asleep, but then I got that disgusting feeling in the morning from eating before bed. Can't win!

On the flip side, I do great in the mornings for breakfast and also for lunch. First thing in the AM, I have a large glass of lemon water, and don't need a whole lot else before getting a workout in. I will take bites off of the kids' meals before I drink my Nespresso pod with creamer, just to ensure I have a little bit of something in my stomach. I feel kind of big and gross in the morning, so it makes me not want to eat. After my workout, I will usually pack something - either leftover gluten-free oatmeal with banana/almond butter or I'll make myself a green smoothie. My lunches are very healthy. Today, I had quinoa, garbanzo beans, chicken, broccoli, sweet potato in a Buddha Bowl topped with some hummus and spicy mayo. Again, I feel that big and bloated feeling after my meals, and didn't even eat that much. Then shortly after I feel hungry again but also have a little bit of heartburn and acid reflux, which makes me not want to eat. Dinners are pretty standard. I try not to overeat to avoid heartburn. And then again, I've been having some dessert after dinner. I wish I didn't but then again, I am pregnant and figure I can treat myself. But then after I do I feel kind of nasty. Such a weird sensation to have all of this nasty, bloated feeling during pregnancy! That is one of the major things I am looking forward to after childbirth - just being able to consume a normal diet. Or wait, is that possible with breastfeeding? :)

As for exercise, I am still working out daily. This is saving me both mentally and physically! Mentally, I need the workout to rid myself of that big, bloated, nasty feeling. I also feel so energized and positive after my workouts. I love it. Physically, I feel good and bad. Again, I feel energized, but also feel that the workouts are making me a bit more achey at this point in pregnancy. I am still maintaining the tabata workouts and modifying when needed. I also love step class and a Kayla workout on the weekend with the hub :).

I walked into the room that will be the baby's room for the first time ( it is a guest room and is generally a room I don't go into often), and it overwhelmed me BIG TIME. I think it stemmed from the fact that I had done nothing to prepare for the baby. So it felt like this big guest room was staring me in the face and it was hard to picture a baby coming home to this room, not to mention to our family! Since, I have slowly gotten the room ready. I washed the baby clothes, folded everything Marie Kondo style, bought diapers and hangers, a changing pad, and really organized the room with all of the pertinent baby gear, books and toys. Now that the room has slowly come together and feels more alive, I am getting more and more excited to welcome a baby into our home! Not going to lie, I was nervous for myself at first, but now that the room is together, I feel a lot more calm and excited about it all. Like really excited!

I am also growing more and more confident about being a mother to three. Some days, I worry about it, but for the most part, I am very excited about how my oldest will handle the transition and I also love the idea that my (now youngest) Vance, will have his older brother for a support system when the baby is here. Last time around, Rhett had no one, but me. So I think it kind of takes the pressure off now that the two older boys have each other, and that they won't be solely relying on me. In addition to that, I am looking forward to my husband taking some time off to be with the boys so that I can be with the baby. I think it will be a really nice welcoming to our transition from a fam of four to a fam of five!

I do think about the postpartum period with respect to myself because of what I have gone through in the past. In the past, I've had a hard time losing the baby weight (I retained it while breastfeeding my second) and I also had postpartum depression/anxiety with my second. So ya, I do wonder intermittently about my postpartum recovery. That said, I try not to obsess about it, and honestly don't. I feel pretty confident that I won't go through postpartum depression this time around. I don't know why, but I just feel good about it. At the same time, I don't want to be naive about it and not have a support system in place should I encounter it again. So, I probably will start looking into therapy and support should it happen again.

When it comes to the baby weight, I feel a bit more confident in knowing that it is possible that I may not lose the baby weight right away and that I might actually hold onto weight while breastfeeding, like I did last time. I think the hardest part about holding onto the baby weight after my last pregnancy was the fact that I worked so hard to maintain my weight and stay in shape during my pregnancy and did so beyond belief. But then after birth, not being able to lose the weight, I felt as if my efforts were almost all for nothing because I held onto the weight while nursing. In addition to that, I hated the unknown of whether or not the baby weight would even come off at all, and if in fact it was the breastfeeding that was causing me to retain it or if I was stuck 15 pounds heavier forever! Needless to say, the baby weight came off after I stopped breastfeeding and also came off from using the Postpartum Slimdown. So now that I know that I may retain weight while breastfeeding and am prepared for that, and also know that the weight will come off, only in a matter of time, I feel more confident going into the postpartum period. At the same time, I know that secretly I have expectations and hopes that I may be lucky this time around and might lose the baby weight magically while breastfeeding. But I don't want to cling to those false hopes only to be faced with weight gain and weight retention. I guess we will see how I handle the situation. All I can do is try to remain positive, but I will say that it is getting harder the more weight I gain in pregnancy.

At 31 weeks, I am 24 pounds! I am really trying to keep my weight in check, but also must come to the realization that a lot of the weight gain is outside of my control. I think the hardest part in gaining the pregnancy weight for me personally, is the fact that I feel fat. I hate that feeling! And then sometimes when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and it is a bad angle, I kind of gasp and freak out inside. In saying this, I remember the same thing happening during my last pregnancy; having those same fat feelings. When I look back on my pregnancy photos of times that I felt SO fat, I actually look rather skinny for a pregnant girl. This time around, I am trying not to let my mind go to those negative places, but it can be hard. I really wish I wasn't so obsessed with weight, and I do pray about it and ask for peace about it, and for God to put my mind (and body) where it needs to be. But honestly, amongst women, I do struggle with this big time. The stretch marks don't bother me much, the cellulite doesn't even bother me much, it really comes down to the number on the scale, how my clothes fit and how I FEEL. But anyways, all I can really do is continue making healthy choices, and keep along! Sorry to be all boo-hoo about it, I really want to stay positive, but also want to be real so women can relate who may feel the same way.

I am pretty certain that we are having a boy. I don't know why, but it is almost this comfort thing. The boys think it is a boy and have been calling the baby by our boy name on occasion, and it only feels natural that we would be having a boy. I also think there is a higher likelihood after having the same gender twice that you have the same gender on the third. Not sure if this is true or an old wive's tale. On the flip side, my heart would explode if we had a girl! I wouldn't know what to do with myself, but I would also be over the moon happy. Either boy or girl, we are thrilled to be having a third little one. Please note that I don't have a preference, just a feeling!

Well, here I am at 27 / 28 weeks pregnant! I think this means that I am finally 6 months pregnant.. or somewhere in the ballpark, and just one week shy of the third trimester. Here is my update!

Pregnancy Differences: This being my third pregnancy, it is interesting to note the differences between my pregnancies. And as I close in on the third trimester, I wanted to shortly recap those differences. While my three pregnancies have been very different, they have also been very much the same. My second and third pregnancies have been the easiest; probably the second being the overall easiest in terms of symptoms (or lack thereof) and also the least amount of pregnancy weight gain. After having three pregnancies, I do believe (for me personally) that the two variables of pregnancy symptoms and weight gain correlate, where increased symptoms usually means more weight gain and decreased symptoms means less weight gain.
My first pregnancy was by far the most difficult. I think this is par for the course for most women. With my first, it was difficult for me to feel comfortable at all with the whole idea of being pregnant and pregnancy itself. Thereby, I feel like my pregnancy symptoms were exacerbated by this, and thus my weight gain followed. My body felt out of whack, I ate for two and often past fullness, which is something I assumed you should do when pregnant, especially coming from a person who is somewhat aware of a controlled diet. This increase in caloric intake, partnered with zero exercise (exercise felt unsafe during my first pregnancy), I packed on the pounds, like exponentially and hit over 55/60 lbs by the end of my pregnancy. I was highly dramatic and pretty self-centered throughout the whole process. I probably felt the all-around worst during my first pregnancy, and probably because it was my first pregnancy experience. Sorry Rhett (my first - he turned out perfect and is brilliant, so I don't think it factored in)!
Fast forward to my second pregnancy, and I felt like a pro, especially because my pregnancies were pretty much back-to-back (my boys being 22 months apart). I knew what to expect and also felt very in control, especially with my diet and with weight gain. I also had the right mindset and was committed to having a healthy/fit pregnancy, hopefully with a weight gain closer to 25 pounds. My symptoms were minimal, I was very active and gained about 30 lbs. I kind of say this laughing because my diet was very clean, and I still managed to gain 30 pounds (based on how I was eating and exercising, I probably should have gained much less, but I guess you can't control everything!).
This pregnancy is more similar to my second pregnancy, but feels a little more unfamiliar at the same time, probably because the gap between this pregnancy and my last was larger than the one before. My first trimester morning sickness was pretty bad - maybe more similar to what I felt during my first pregnancy as opposed to my second pregnancy (where morning sickness was present but not particularly bad). I also noticed that my body changed very quickly earlier on with this third pregnancy. I noticed my arms got flabbier and my thighs gained weight as early as the first trimester. In comparison to my second pregnancy, I only started to put on that fat during the final trimester. Albeit, my second trimester has been wonderful in terms of the way I feel - energy and such. I do feel bigger and less mobile in my second trimester as opposed to how I felt during my second pregnancy at this time. It is a bit harder for me to run after my four-year old and keep tabs on my two-year old... so maybe it isn't the fact that I am less mobile, but instead that I have more kids to care for, and they are more active and at an older age than Rhett was at this point in my second pregnancy (he was only 1.5 years old).
So all in all, my second and third pregnancies have been the best. In terms of weight gain, I am about 5 lbs ahead of where I was during my second pregnancy. Overall, I am pretty happy with that! My takeaway is that sometimes your body will gain differently in different pregnancies, and sometimes it really doesn't have to do with food consumption. I definitely ate the cleanest with my second pregnancy, but it was also a lot easier to eat cleaner and I noticed that my body gained slower anyways. I've been eating pretty clean this pregnancy and exercising more than I did during my second pregnancy. I think I've relaxed my diet a bit because I had such a hard time losing the weight after my second pregnancy that the strict conscientiousness of pregnancy weight gain was kind of all for nothing. I mean, yes, I felt amazing during my second pregnancy, but also couldn't lose the weight so it was even more of a let down. Maybe this time because I have more to lose, I will lose it at a more gradual pace rather than getting stuck at a number and retaining it for breastfeeding. I guess time will tell!

Breastfeeding: Speaking of breastfeeding... I have breastfed both of my boys and have LOVED it. Well, I say that I loved it - but it was actually quite difficult to get started with my first. There were a lot of tears and a lot of pain, and I often worried if he was getting enough milk. However, when I got the hang of it, I absolutely loved nursing my first. It was a dream and I nursed well into my second pregnancy, until Rhett was about 15 months. With Vance, breastfeeding came very, very easily. I had only taken about a four month break from the time I stopped nursing Rhett til the time I started back up with my newborn, Vance. The ease of nursing Vance was a dream, and the biggest issue I ran into with Vance was that my body was retaining and even gaining weight. I also had some postpartum depression/anxiety which messed with my milk supply for a short period of time and sort of aggravated the nursing process. Because I struggled and was so confused about my weight, I stopped breastfeeding him earlier than I would have liked - at about 10 months. Still, I feel very proud to have gone this far with him. Given my circumstances, this was the best I could do.
Now that I am going into my third newborn cycle and I feel a bit better equipped given my experiences, I now know that there is a strong likelihood that I may hold onto weight while I breastfeed. I think *knowing* this will make the nursing process a little bit easier on me. Last time, it was so hard on me because I didn't know whether or not it was the nursing that was causing the weight retention. I feared that maybe I wouldn't ever be able to drop the pregnancy weight, and to be honest, that scared me and made me want to stop nursing so that I could see if I could drop the baby weight sans breastfeeding hormones... and I did. It did take my hormones several months (like 5 months) to even out, but once they did, I used the Postpartum Slimdown and was able to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Phew. So I guess in knowing that I may retain weight while nursing on baby number three, but in also knowing that I can and will eventually lose the weight, I feel confident in the nursing process. I hope to breastfeed this baby until about 10 months to a year, depending on how I am feeling. If you are a mother who holds onto weight while nursing, it isn't very fun. I tend to hold strictly fat in my mid-section and thighs. No matter what I do (diet/exercise), the fat stays put. It can be frustrating when you are a person who operates on efforts and results! So I'd like to think that I will breastfeed for a year, but to be honest, not having my body for 2.5 years is a long time. As I am such a huge proponent of breastfeeding, I also believe that a mother's health and well-being is vital. The fact that I nursed Vance shorter than Rhett doesn't bother me. I mean ideally, I would have loved to be one of those mothers who lost the baby weight while nursing (as I did with my first), but that didn't happen to me with my second. So given my situation, I will just play it by ear how long I nurse for. Long story short... I WILL be breastfeeding my baby unless a serious health complication prevents me from doing so and I will breastfeed for at least 6 months. I believe that is a realistic expectation and also what studies show to be beneficial for baby!

Doctor's Appointments: I have the glucose tolerance test on Monday! I will update this portion of my post after the appointment. There is a big part of me that thinks I definitely don't have gestational diabetes, but you honestly never know. So we will cross that bridge when we get there! Update:  I had my glucose tolerance test and omg, the drink was disgusting this time. And this is coming from a girl who actually didn't mind, dare I say liked the drink in times past. Not this time. For whatever reason, I felt nauseated the rest of the day. The syrupy sweetness of the drink was too much and did not sit right with me at all. The good news: I passed! A few days later, I received a call for both the glucose test results and for anemia test results. I passed both, which is very good news. At the doctor, I weighed in at 150 lbs. We checked baby's heartbeat - nice and healthy. Other than that, the visit was very routine.

Baby's Name: I am pretty sure that we have our boy name. I love it - it is unique and strong. We are still working out the girl's name, but I think we are getting close. We have narrowed it down to about 5 names that we like and will go from there or wait to decide once we get to the hospital. There is a big part of me that wants one of the boys to decide. I keep asking their opinion and they playfully respond with their favorite names. Not so sure if they are taking it seriously, but maybe once the baby is here they can really help us nail it down. Ideally, I like to be prepared before getting to the hospital so we don't make a rash decision about the name. I mean, it is going to be this little human's name forever!!... and it is super important. That said, it is baby number three and I would love the boys to see him/her and make the final decision.

Baby Prepping: So we definitely need to get the nursery (baby room) organized. I know that I posted a nursery reveal here, but this is technically Vance's room still and I think we will keep him in there for awhile. Baby's current room is our upstairs guest room. Luckily, we have two guest rooms, so I don't feel like we are losing a guest room and will have nowhere to offer guests to stay. But currently the upstairs guest room is decorated as a guest room, so it has a queen bed and other cute guest room furniture. It looks amazing, so I think we will keep it as such and simply add a crib in the corner and maybe a rocker and a changing table. 
I also still need to go through all of my old baby clothes from the boys and wash them. The other day I opened the box of baby clothes and they wreaked of old baby breastmilk (yuck!!). So I still need to rummage through them, give away old/tattered outfits and organize the remainder in the drawers and in the closet.

Labor + Delivery: I still need to pre-register with the hospital. Update: I pre-registered, yay! I will be delivering at a hospital. I am a huge proponent of this and would have it no other way. I totally respect moms who do things differently, but personally I would never risk birthing outside of a hospital in case a complication arose. My plan is to get the epidural. I have really enjoyed getting the epidural with both of my boys and also feel the pain makes labor so uncomfortable ... I also don't see any benefit or any studies that point to the fact that unmedicated births are scientifically superior to medicated births. Correct me if I am wrong! So yes, I will be getting the epidural. There is a part of me that may try to go for it without one, seeing that my last labor was like 3 or 4 hours with Vance, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. And I honestly don't know why I am considering not getting one. Maybe I will ask them to do just a light dose -  is that possible? Sometimes they way overdose it and your legs are totally numb - I feel like I'd want an epidural light if that is possible! The main reason is I just would love to be able to move around after delivery - but I guess that probably wouldn't be very healthy anyways. Mama needs rest. So we shall see how it goes!

That's all for now. 

​xx

Current Disposition: Feeling great! My energy is totally on point (for the most part); I have my days in which energy isn't at its peak, but don't we all? My mood is pretty upbeat, and just like my normal self. I generally feel like I'm not even pregnant, but then obviously look in the mirror and feel otherwise. 

Body: Yes, I definitely feel the extra weight but it's all part of the program. I certainly feel like my last pregnancy (my second pregnancy) with Vance was my healthiest, but this one is definitely a close second. I will talk more on this in fitness and diet. The aches and pains I was having last week have ceased, which it awesome. Again, I feel that extra weight and a little chunkier even in places like my arms, but not abnormally. ​

Weight: I weigh 143 pounds, which means I have gained 13 pounds since conception and 10 pounds since my 8 week appointment. Not bad, but not as good as my last pregnancy. Last pregnancy, I weighed 138 pounds at this point, but it also was a totally different pregnancy. I was able to control my diet a bit more and didn't gain early on (I think because I was still breastfeeding my first). Again, I'm not as concerned about weight gain because at the end of the day your body is going to do what it is going to do. At the same time, that doesn't mean that I'm totally oblivious to the scale. I certainly let myself give in to cravings, but if I do, I tighten up my diet the next day. It's not a free for all, but it's also not as strict as it was during my first pregnancy. Once again, I end up gaining the most weight in my final trimester. Last pregnancy, I packed on about 17 pounds in the final trimester. This time around, I hope that since I've gained a bit more earlier on that that won't happen again. But who knows. I feel a bit more confident about weight this time around. While never perfect in my ability to handle weight gain, my mindset has certainly improved from time's past.

Fitness: Fitness is totally on point this pregnancy. Amongst my three pregnancies, this pregnancy has been the fittest pregnancy that I have had to date. My first pregnancy I never exercised. My second pregnancy I exercised about 4 times per week; sometimes 3; it really depended on what I had going on. This third pregnancy, I have really committed to getting myself to the gym every single morning, and I totally feel better because of it. Sure, maybe the scale is higher than it was during my last pregnancy, but overall, I feel stronger and healthier. Again, my workouts are mainly a 30 minute tabata class, spinning and sometimes a 3 to 4 mile run or walk (I only do this once per week). I am working out almost every day. On my worst week, I had taken off two days, but generally will get in a workout every day or at least 6 days per week. How have I stayed motivated? Honestly, my Apple Watch has been a HUGE motivator in helping get me to workout on a daily basis. I have the face of my watch set to the workout/activity setting, which tracks movement, exercise and stand goals. I try to get all three of my rings, or goals achieved on a daily basis.

Baby: ​Baby is moving for sure. The movement has slowed down from the initial movement I felt, but pretty consistent and regular enough that I don't worry. As for gender.. I was sure that it was a boy, but I also am not 100% because of how narrow I am carrying. They say that you carry more narrowly with boys, but I don't remember carrying narrow with either of my boys. In fact, I felt like I carrier a bit wider.

Sleep: I've been sleeping great with the exception of the "no sleeping on your back" rule. I tend to be a side sleeper, but for whatever reason, I find myself waking up in the middle of the night on my back, kind of freaking out. I generally don't sleep on my back so it often feels weird that I am tending to that. But overall, I have no pregnancy insomnia and feel pretty energized after a good night's sleep.

Doctor's Visits: My next doctor's appointment will be at 28 weeks, and I am also scheduled for the glucose test. I am almost certainly I don't have gestational diabetes, but you can never be too sure. I thought it was interesting that the doctor said I could eat protein before the appointment; just not carbohydrates. I have an early 9:30am appointment, so it shouldn't be a problem. Other than that, the anatomy scan last week went so well, and I am feeling super confident about baby and my body. When I got the good news that all was well, it made me feel even more confident about having a third, as weird as that sounds. I think I've worried a little bit more during this pregnancy, but all for nothing because I feel reassured at every turn that everything is going smoothly.

Diet: my diet has been both good and bad. One of the biggest changes I have noticed the past week is that I feel like I can't eat as much. I often don't feel hungry, and when I do get hungry, I'll eat but then I can only have a few bites before I need to stop. For instance, I barely ate lunch ( I had hummus and chips), then I had a few bites off of the boys' dinners and a few bites of a cupcake and felt like I couldn't eat anymore. Most often, it feels like it happens at night when dinner rolls around in which my appetite is totally at a loss. Also, if I eat in the mornings, I tend to feel super sluggish, so I really have to pay attention to what I am eating. It also gets tricky when I like to workout first thing in the morning. I haven't quite gotten a routine when it comes to figuring out what to eat in the morning and timing my workout. Usually I don't eat, go to my workout class then have something after.

Oh baby! Planning for a baby the third time around is a little different than in time's past. With the first baby, you have all the feels about baby's arrival... and dare I say, a little bit of an obsession (or was it just me?). When I found out I was pregnant with my first, I was obsessed with planning all.the.things. From a baby shower to my baby registry, I scoured over every detail and poured myself into everything. But because we were currently residing in a one bedroom condo in Georgetown, Washington, DC, I wasn't able to plan my first baby's nursery. The only thing I could plan was the corner of our 'master bedroom', which only fit a mini crib, or a travel crib at best. Despite my lack of space, I made the most of it, but it didn't involve a whole lot of planning.
​
Fast forward to my second pregnancy, and we had finally moved into our first home in Nashville! It was a whopping 3,000 square foot castle and each of my babies had their own rooms. Not only did I get to decorate Rhett's (my toddler's) room, but I finally got my dream of being able to decorate a nursery. One caveat was that we weren't finding out the baby's gender, making it slightly more difficult to plan. But I did my best, and the nursery turned out perfectly. I incorporated much of the same pieces as I did today, using gender neutral greens, browns, blacks and whites.

Now that I am on my third pregnancy, planning a nursery is slightly different. We have moved once again, this time to Dallas and to a 4,200 square foot home! It feels big, but somehow as my boys grow and with the thought of having a third, I feel like I could have even gone bigger (gasp!). Nevertheless, I am so very thankful that we have more than enough space, however, I didn't decorate this house with our prospective third child in mind. His/her room is currently our second guest bedroom upstairs, full of guest room furniture. A queen bed from Restoration Hardware, adorable lamps from Cupcakes and Cashmere, etc. The perfect room to house a guest, not necessarily a baby. And because the room looks so cute already, in my opinion, I am going to wait on changing it until I know more about this baby and his/her personality. Plus, who doesn't love the idea of being able to nurse a baby on a queen bed?
Thus, for the time being, I redecorated Vance's nursery with the thought that maybe the baby would be in here and my two older boys would bunk up together, or maybe the baby would (once again) be in the corner of our upstairs guest room with a crib, and I would leave the decorating until after we found out the gender of the baby. So, if the gender of this particular nursery looks a bit masculine, bare with me! It is Vance's room as we speak, but doesn't mean I can't make it more feminine, adding in some pinks and reds.

Perhaps, one of my favorite things to incorporate in a nursery is wallpaper. It gives it that extra flare that maybe you wouldn't risk in another space, and you get to have fun with it. But because we constantly buy new homes, which means brand new walls, and often don't stay in one home for more than a few years at a time, I wanted something that was a little more temporary. Thus, I turn to removable wallpaper, and have partnered with Sweet Pea Wall Design on this fun, tribal nursery removable wallpaper.
Before trying removable wallpaper myself, I had fears about using it. Would it be easy to install? Would it look as good as regular wallpaper? It is worth the price? Does it really go on as easily as they say and stay up? And can I really remove it without damaging my walls? Suffice it to say, the answer to all of these questions is a big fat YES.
This is the third removable wallpaper that I have installed into a home, and yes, my husband and I have installed them ourselves. And trust me when I say that we are not handy people at all. In fact, we are quite the opposite. But installing removable wallpaper into bedrooms has become a very fun and actually romantic activity for the two of us. The time it takes to install in a normal sized bedroom is probably an hour or so, and all I can say is that it is easier than you think it is. I absolutely loved the way this tribal print turned out and Emily with Sweet Pea Wall Design was a gem to work with.

The crib is the Modo Crib from Babyletto and I love it. The crib sheet is from RH Baby + Child, however, I don't think they sell this print any longer; it is also organic. I love the RH crib sheets because they are organic, super soft and wash nicely, not to mention they are a great price, believe it or not. The leather pillow is also from RH. The Moroccan Pouf is from Houzz. The fiddle leaf tree is from RH, as well. Don't buy cheap fiddle leafs! You get what you pay for.

Not going to lie, but I ripped off the idea of using The Trendy Timber wooden signage from a decor-savvy friend of mine from high school. She posted a photo of her daughter's room on Instagram and I was quick to DM her, inquiring about the adorable sign above her daughter's crib. I purchased directly through their website all for about $140, and totally worth it. It adds a rustic flare and personalization to the room. I plan on getting the new baby one, as well.

When it came to purchasing a nursery glider, the bigger the better is what I thought. Again, by the time I had a nursery to decorate, we were on our second child, which meant that we needed to often fit not one but two kids in the chair. While some of the more dainty, smaller nursery rockers appear to be comfy, I was a seasoned enough mom to know better than to spend money on such a thing. I knew that a rocker is where I would live with my baby, and ultimately read stories to my toddler(s). What I wanted was the biggest and the comfiest chair around. I wanted it to glide and to rock. The only thing I might have missed out on was purchasing a reclining glider - and Pottery Barn Kids actually makes one (my sister bought it)! But, I will say that this Pottery Barn Kids Comfort Swivel Glider (Grand) has been a staple for rocking, reading, playing, napping, nursing, sleeping, and I can't imagine my kids' lives without it! Also, a big shoutout to Mooma (my MIL) for buying it as a baby gift for baby number 2!

I am a big McGee + Co fan and have been following their Instagram and the growth of their company really since its inception. When we bought our first home in Nashville and I FINALLY got to put my decorating skills to the test, there was one piece from their store that I had been eyeing from day one and it was this dresser. Sadly, I don't think they sell it anymore, but at the time, I purchased it from them (although a lot of other retailers carry the same piece) for about $1,000. I've never used a changing table because personally I think they are a waste of money. They cost as much as a fashionable dresser, which are generally way cuter than changing tables, and I usually change my boys on the floor. While this may not be sanitary, I am SUPER careful because I am OCD and like the look of a designer dresser better than a random PB Kids changing table.
As for the art, I purchased from HomeGoods for pretty cheap. The lamp is from Target. The little clock and the little Mexico boots were collected heirlooms. The gold elephant, candle and succulent are from Target and the license plate from Homegoods.

​Well, that is it! Welcome to our baby's nursery... or should I say Vance's nursery. It totally fits the vibe of our family; fun, bright, cheery and a little bit masculine. Sorry, baby girl, you'll get used to it :)

Lots of love! xoxo

I am officially more than halfway through my pregnancy, and it feels great. This past week was pretty exciting with a 22-week doctor's visit and also the much-anticipated anatomy scan. My body is certainly changing and things are "squishier" than normal, as Rhett says. Overall, I am so thankful to be pregnant and can't believe how fast this journey is flying by. I will recap everything here; also, I did add in some questions from my Instagram that people had asked and I wanted to expand upon. Sorry if I repeat myself, just wanted to make sure I answered everything! I'm also a bit tired as I write this, so sorry if I sound a bit drab :) Here we go!

Body: My body is starting to feel a bit achier. Some days are better than others, but normal daily tasks that involve lifting the boys in and out of the car are becoming more of a challenge. I feel a lot of it in my lower back, just from carrying the extra weight and also in my belly. Sometimes it is aggravated when I workout, but the benefits of staying active far outweighs the downside.

Weight: At 22 weeks, I weigh 142 lbs, which means I've gained 12 lbs since conception. This weight gain is within the normal range, projecting me to hit anywhere from 30 to 35 lbs. However, in pregnancy's past, I have gained the majority of my weight in the third trimester and I don't expect this pregnancy to be any different. I do feel like I've gained more fat earlier on. This might be from age (I am 31 years old vs. 27, which I was with my first) and the fact that this is my third pregnancy, so my body is storing more fat earlier. Whatever the reason, I feel decent about my weight gain. I feel slightly worried to a certain level that I may end up around the 40 lbs mark, or even more, just based on my body's cravings and also the way my body has gained the weight so far. Despite that, I am trying my best to maintain a healthy diet and am keeping up my exercise. Not a whole lot more I can do! (More about weight gain at the bottom section in IG questions answered).

Diet: My diet has been okay. I think overall for a pregnant gal I am eating healthy, but as compared to my non-pregnant self, I feel like I am eating a bit more and feel hungrier than I normally would. When not pregnant, I am one of those people that can wake up in the morning, workout and not eat breakfast until later. While pregnant, this isn't the case, I generally am hungry first thing in the morning and feel the need to eat, which is weird. I also feel like I am wanting to eat more at meals. Usually at lunch when not pregnant, I can easily eat a lower carb meal including things like turkey with avocado and Siracha, and call it a day. When pregnant, I feel like I need to eat more - so I'll do things like tuna on a piece of whole wheat bread or a baked bean-filled Siete tortilla with avocado, cheese and lettuce. Not necessarily a whole lot more than I would eat when not pregnant, but definitely more. Additionally, I always crave something sweet after lunch, which feels a bit odd. Same with after dinner. Not sure if I've just gotten into a bad habit or if it is an actual craving. But on a general note, I don't feel like I am overeating or pigging out. I will say that my stomach feels like it has less room in it once again making it difficult to read my hunger signals. So I feel hungry, and then I eat, but don't eat that much because I get full very easily and sometimes even a mild case of heartburn.

Fitness: Still getting in my workouts 5 to 7 day per week at least 30 minutes to 50 minutes per day. I am sticking to my 30-minute tabata class that includes tons of cardio (mountain climbers, jumping lunges, high knees, skaters, burpees) combined with weight repetition in 30-minute intervals. This 30 minute class is just enough to get my heart rate up but also doesn't overdo it as a pregnant mama. I go first thing in the morning to make sure I get it out of the way. My body is feeling heavier, so the workouts are becoming harder, especially because the class isn't easy. I am also a little achey at times, which. makes certain moves harder. Aside from that, I also do spin and run. Overall, I am so glad to be active this pregnancy and definitely feel like it is helping with weight gain and mental outlook. Working out is like an instant boost of endorphins and I am motivated because of how it makes me feel after!

Going from Two to Three: This realization has become a little bit more real. I am trying not to overanalyze how much our lives are going to change with three kids, but I definitely have my moments of wondering. With your first kid, you worry about how your life is going to change with a baby in general. The hardest part in having one kid is that it really does turn your world upside down and forces you to readjust your priorities; and really forces you to grow up. Your kid feels like your entire world, and it's a big responsibility going from caring about yourself to caring for another human. But of course, you want two kids because that's what people do, so you go for a second. With the second, you worry about how your life will change now with two kids, and when you finally have two, you realize how easy it was to have one! Looking back, having one kid was a breeze (if only you could have appreciated it) and two feels like one hundred.
I guess I wonder how this will all change in having three. What I've heard is that once you are used to juggling two, juggling three isn't much different, you just have to learn how to juggle faster. I guess I have those same worries that I did with having two. For instance, how I'm going to give each of my kids the attention they need, and how we are going to manage nap times for the baby while stimulating my other kids and maintaining our adventures. I'm really trying to savor my moments with having two kids, like the fact that I am hands free when I take my kids to an activity; they are basically off on their own, playing, while I sit there and watch/patrol the activity. In a few short months, I will not be hands-free; I will have a baby in my arms while simultaneously watching my two boys!! I'm both excited and a little nervous about this :)

Newborn Thoughts: A girlfriend of mine brought her newborn son (her third) to our MOPs group the other week, and it reminded me why I am going down this road again for the third time. I think this pregnancy has been so different because I now have a four-year old kid and a two year-old kid, verses when I went through my last pregnancy with only a toddler who could barely put together words. It has made me feel more mature going through this pregnancy and thinking less fantasy and more reality. I think in pregnancy, us moms can get caught up in the fantasy of having more children; I know I certainly did when I had my second. This time around, I have been pretty matter of fact that we are bringing a third kid into this world and the craziness that lies ahead. I've been looking forward to the newborn life and meeting another kid, but also very logical about it.
Though, after seeing my friend's baby, I was able to feel that magic of it all and it really lifted my spirits. Not that I was sad about having a third, but I think I have been so logical about it all and so caught up with my other kids, that I haven't had time to really fantasize about the person we are about to meet. But yes, I am getting very excited to have another baby. I can't wait to hold him/her, see what he/she looks like, learn his/her personality. Will he/she be a good sleeper? Will he/she latch okay? How will my labor and delivery be? All of those things, I am mostly excited for, but also a little nervous.. because I really know what is in store for me (and my family)! More than anything you hope that it won't disrupt your life too much, but then again, you're welcoming a baby into the world! It doesn't get much crazier than that :)

Doctor's Visit: I saw the doctor yesterday, at 22 weeks, for a checkup AND for the much anticipated anatomy scan. We started with the anatomy scan. Ryan and Vance were with me, thank goodness, because I was a nervous wreck leading up to it. I went to the bathroom like six times before the appointment out of nervousness. My stomach was in knots for a few reasons. One being the general fear that my baby wasn't developing properly. You hear such crazy stories that my mind couldn't help but wonder, could it happen to me? I also am so thankful to have two healthy kids that I sometimes am like ah I hope everything is okay since I decided to go for a third. Regardless, when I calm these nerves, I realize that God won't give my anything I can't handle. This is morbid, but ever if the baby had died, we would eventually be okay. (oh, the crazy things you think)
I think there was just added pressure because it was with the third baby, which feels like a bonus, and it would have been heartbreaking and kind of preventable. But, once again, I knew in my heart that this all happened for a reason, and I think I was having these crazy irrational thoughts that only come naturally to parents.  
Another thing I always worry about at the anatomy scan is that the ultrasound tech may give away the gender. Again, this wouldn't be the end of the world, but it would for sure be a let down to find out the gender on accident in a way that wasn't intended.
With all that worry, we started the appointment. I kept waiting for the tech to say that she saw a marker, like a cyst in the brain (which happened with both of my boys) or maybe that the baby had dilated kidneys (which happened with Vance) or that she would accidentally call it a "he" or a "she" giving away the gender... but nope. The entire time, she kept saying, everything looks beautiful! Healthy baby. Perfect. Wonderful. Beautiful. With each body part that she saw, she gave a positive affirmation. It really was the best ultrasound experience we've had to date. I walked out feeling so confident in my body and in my baby. And also so thankful that God has given us this opportunity to be parents to yet another miracle child.
Aside from the ultrasound, my doctor's visit was uneventful. She didn't check anything. Simply asked if I had any questions. I reaffirmed that we don't want to know the gender (as I always annoyingly do)! I also asked her about some cramping I was having during exercise. She said as long as the contraction goes away after I stop exercising that it is okay, and that exercising wouldn't cause any pre-term labor (another physician had also communicated this to me). Other than that, everything looks great!

Will you go for a fourth?: I get this question a lot. I think that once you decide to have a third, you are now considered part of the 'big family club,' and people are more apt to assume that since you didn't stop at two, you may not stop at three. I can't say with all certainty that we won't have a fourth, but if I were to give the straight answer now, my answer would be that we are, in fact, stopping at three. Why? I feel like three is the perfect number for me. Again, everyone has a different threshold for how many kids is appropriate for them. I come from a family of two, which I loved, but looking back it might have been fun to have a fuller house. It also might have been way crazier and maybe I wouldn't have liked it. My mom came from a family of four and she didn't love it, which is why she decided to have two. So, it's hard to pinpoint what the "right" number of kids is to have, but I thought three would be nice because it is more than two. It adds another sibling dynamic rather than having only one option for a sibling. I think that sibling personalities can be very different, and hoped that three would give that direct sibling dynamic that comes with two a break just in case someone needs another perspective.
Another reason I decided to go for three is because I felt like I gave up a big part of me to be a stay-at-home mom. My kids are my entire life. I don't have a career to fall back on; I have my kids. Something about that scares the crap out of me, but something about that also liberates me and makes me the happiest I've ever been. I'm a mom! And I am a full-on stay-at-home mom. This is my life; my world, and I felt like because I personally made the decision to stay home with my kids, that I could handle having more. If I worked, I don't know if I would feel this way just because it would be one more thing to juggle. Again, everyone has a different threshold and everyone woman is different. My personal threshold given my career as a SAHM is three. I felt like I could handle more than two, but I also know that I want to be able to have somewhat of a controlled environment and really be able to give my kids quality, quality one-on-one attention, and I feel like I can do that at the number three.
For me, I think I would get overwhelmed with four. I get overwhelmed by unmade beds and a messy house, and also by children screaming 24/7 and quality bedtime routines and bath time, etc. With two its a lot and with three it's going to be even more! .. I can't really imagine life with four, but I can totally, totally see how people have more than three. Children are gifts from God. You get to partake in life's most magical creation, and to stop having kids seems like part of that magic is over, but it is also the beginning of really diving into each child that you do have. So ya, that is the basic answer! 

How do you gain the recommended amount of weight during pregnancy?: This is totally and completely a case-by-case basis, and I don't want people to think my answer is a one-size fits all because it's not. Women are different; our bodies are different; we carry babies differently; we all have unique strengths and weaknesses. I am lucky that I get pregnant super easily. I have generally healthy pregnancies, and birth full-term babies who are at a healthy birth weight. My babies have been good babies; good sleepers and good eaters. I have much to be thankful for! One of my unlucky departments is in the pregnancy weight gain and postpartum weight loss department. I tend to be one of those women who gains quite a bit during pregnancy and carries wide. I get chunkier thighs and a droopier booty. Postpartum, I don't lose weight while breastfeeding and even tend to gain weight. I carry the weight in my belly and thighs and it doesn't come off until I stop breastfeeding. Like I said, we all have advantages and disadvantages when it comes to pregnancy, and I need to be thankful for mine. But can weight gain be controlled? Yes, I think to a certain level, but also no.
I have a unique story in that I gained 60 pounds with my first baby. I started at 130 lbs and topped the scales at about 190 lbs close to delivery. Looking back, I had a hard time handling pregnancy, as I was a first-timer. Morning sickness threw me for a loop and I ate constantly. I also felt like I needed to eat more because I assumed that is what pregnant women did. I stopped working out because it didn't feel right. I ate past the point of being full and often ordered unhealthier dishes because I was pregnant. I wouldn't say that I gorged myself on donuts and ho-ho's because I didn't. I just loosened my diet and packed on the pounds. I lost the weight at a year postpartum through a healthy diet and consistent exercise. I didn't have to try hard; the weight pretty much fell off at a consistent rate. 
With my second, I vowed I would not let myself go. I was 130 lbs when I found out I was pregnant and I had a goal of maintaining a healthy and fit pregnancy. When morning sickness hit, I didn't give in to the nausea with food, instead I worked through it by hydrating and keeping myself busy with other activities. My diet was clean as a whistle and looking back I probably wasn't eating enough, but I also didn't feel the need to. My pregnancy was very easy and my symptoms were not as drastic as my first (and third) pregnancy. I don't want to say it was easy to eat a healthy diet, but I also want to say that I had minimal cravings. My body gained weight at a slower rate, and I think I had a huge part in that because of the choices I made. I was also very active, maintaining workouts at least 4 times per week. Still, I gained 30 lbs. - within the weight gain guidelines.
My first and second pregnancies were very, very different experiences. With my first, I kind of let myself go and with my second, I was very disciplined. With my second, I was more disciplined than I would be if I wasn't pregnant because I knew how quickly my body packs on the weight. So what I would say to moms who want to stay within the recommended weight guidelines, is to come up with a plan before you get pregnant.

1. Compile a diet and exercise plan before you get pregnant, and commit to the idea that you want to gain less weight during pregnancy. This mental framework will set you up for success. It doesn't have to be concrete, but it can be something like "workout 5 days per week for 30 minutes" or "walk 3 miles everyday" or "eat a green smoothie for breakfast, salad for lunch and high protein dinner with minimal dessert" or "hydrate with one cup of water every two hours" or "drink lemon water first thing in the morning". Just setup little rules for yourself that will keep you healthy and in line.
2. Try not to give into food when you start to feel bad. This is especially important during the first trimester. I feel like the first trimester really sets up your weight gain for the rest of your pregnancy. If you gain a ton in the first trimester, it is kind of hard to backtrack. So really commit to leaning on other things when you start to feel nauseas. Trust me, this is going to feel like you are exercising the most will power you have in your entire life when you start to feel queazy, but what I've realized is that eating food doesn't even really make you feel better. You may find relief for a hot second, but then the nausea creeps back in. So instead of relying on food to cure the queasiness, try and think up other things. Things that helped me were... believe it or not, working out, drinking lemon water, drinking a diet ginger ale ( I know the chemicals are bad but it really helped), going for a walk, playing with your kids, watching TV, getting fresh air. Just try and not use food as a crutch, and it should help you to minimize the weight gain. (I understand that some women feel bad their entire pregnancies, and that I cannot comment on! More power to you; just do what you can to get by!)
3. Similar to the last point: try and keep your diet/fitness tight in the first and second trimesters, especially in the second trimester. For me, the second trimester is when I feel the best and there really is no excuse to not eat healthy and to not exercise. Yes, I am pregnant and it is more difficult, but that shouldn't be an excuse to let myself go if I want to gain the allotted weight. So really try and hold it together in those first two trimesters and if you do, I believe you'll gain within the normal range.
4. Workout. Along with helping control weight gain, working out will make you feel better mentally! When I workout, I get so much more energy and feel happier throughout the day and thus make better dietary choices. Also, I tend to feel bloated while pregnant and can get a little depressed about it. If I workout, I tend to feel better about my body and have a better mental outlook. Working out really is a be all cure all!

A few disclaimers... some women gain more than the recommended weight no matter what they do. I believe this! So I don't want to make anyone feel bad that totally disagrees with this. It worked for me to control my diet, but it also didn't work for me because after I had my second baby (even just having gained 30 lbs), I couldn't lose the weight after! For whatever reason my body held onto it for breastfeeding. It held onto like 10 to 15 lbs. It was such a letdown because I had worked SO hard to maintain a healthy weight, and it kind of felt like all for nothing. Not entirely all for nothing because I felt and looked amazing during my pregnancy, but definitely a let down when I retained and gained a bunch of fat for breastfeeding. And this was all while maintaining the same diet and exercise routine. So, sometimes you really can't win. Sometimes your hormones are going to win every time and you just have to be okay with that. Give yourself grace during this time, and know that you aren't alone. I, along with millions of other women out there, went through the same body struggle. Just know that it is all worth it and once your hormones calm down (sometimes well after you stop breastfeeding), you will​ lose the weight!=

Last question, what helped you decide on spacing/timing between kiddos?: Once again, this is totally personal preference so I am just speaking for myself here. My husband and I both come from families in which the kids are spaced about 2 years to 2.5 years apart, except for I come from a family of two (my sister and I are 22 months apart) and Ryan comes from a family of five (all sibling roughly 2 to 2.5 years apart)! I think it comes down to a few things and really is only something you can decide on a kid-by-kid basis. After we had our first, we were so in love with being parents to him, that we couldn't wait to have our second. Once we hit the one year mark with him and started to get into a groove, we were open to getting pregnant and it happened the first time around. I think a lot of the timing had to do with our excitement to grow our family and the openness to it, and the fact that we were lucky/blessed that God allowed us that timing. While I say we are blessed that our first two are twenty-two months apart, it also came with a lot of challenges. Having two kids is freaking hard and having them so close together is even harder.
After we had our second, I went in and out of wanting to have a third. After our second was first born, I thought hell no, we are not having another kid (because the newborn stage is freaking hard and I was so sleep deprived), but after we got out of the newborn stage, I was quick to knowing that I wanted another baby. I wanted to have three kids for the above reasons that I just talked about. That said, I wasn't ready to dive in right away. I knew that I needed a little bit more time than I had had with the first two, so when Vance turned one, I still wasn't open for business.
It took me a little bit of time to really feel like I could handle three. At the same time, Ryan and I both really wanted the kids close together. I imagined the age gap between my oldest, who will be a little over 4 when the new baby gets here, and I didn't want that age gap to be too big. My dad comes from a family of three; the first time are closer in age and the third is several years born after the second. My dad's oldest sister commented that having the third sister so far in age was hard and wished she was closer.
So the way I saw it was that I wanted us all to be a super tight knit family (not that you can't be with a further age gap), but I think my personal belief is the longer you wait sometimes the more that child may feel like an only child. The goal in having three kids is that all of our kids would be able to be doing life together. That they would be in school together, involved in activities together and all that. Not just for their own sakes, but for the sake of my husband and I. I'm sure there are SO many benefits to waiting, but I feared that if I waited, I wouldn't want to have a third. I also feared going through the baby stage again after we were so far past it. I still feel like I am in the thick of being a mom to kids under five and I wanted to keep that groove going. I didn't want to have to go, then stop then restart again.
Once again, this isn't to say that people who wait are wrong for doing so. I think that there are plenty of benefits to both, I just saw so many personal benefits for exactly what we wanted out of having three kids, and what made the most sense for our family was to have them all pretty close together!

Today I am in the final day of the 18th week of pregnancy, so figured I'd begin talking about my 19 week pregnancy update! Here we go...

Doctor's Visits: I'll start with doctor's visits since I recently had my 18 week appointment last Tuesday. My health checked out great - blood pressure was in range and weight was healthy. I've gained about 6 to 7 pounds since my 8 week appointment, but 9 lbs since pregnancy test results. I will talk more about my gains in the "weight" section! We heard baby's heartbeat at 150 BPM. Doctor said baby was nice and healthy in there! I also had blood drawn for spinal bifida, which came back negative. Thankful for those results. To be honest, the appointment was quite uneventful. I mean, I was SO excited to hear baby's heartbeat because I get nervous between each appointment, wanting to know that he/she is healthy in there, so hearing the heartbeat made for the appointment, but other than that, it was a rather boring appointment ha! The doctor looked at me as if to say, "Do you have anymore questions?" I tried to think of something to ask her, but honestly couldn't think of anything. We did talk about my weight (of course), and I told her I was about 4 pounds heavier than I was with my last pregnancy at this point, but she insisted that my weight was completely find and on track. I will be seeing her at 22 weeks and at that point we will have the anatomy scan, so prayers for that appointment for sure!

Overall Energy: My energy feels great! I am sleeping like a rock, mostly 9 hours+ at night. The only thing that wakes me up is to use the restroom. I think I pee either once or twice per night, which. honestly isn't that bad. Sleep is great, so I can't complain, and on most days my energy is plentiful.

Workouts: Still working out almost every day, although last week I had a few hiccups because Rhett was sick with HFM for the first time! We had to take a hiatus from all of our routine daily play activities, including my trips to the gym. I was super bummed about this, selfishly, because working out makes me feel SO good, and I also love to workout first thing in the morning before we get our day started together. With him sick, we were mostly stuck at the house. I'm not great at motivating myself to workout at home and because of that, ended up working out a few less days than I would have liked to. Now that he is better, I am back on track. I have still been doing spin, but have found a newfound love for the body shred class. It is a thirty-minute tabata type class, and it is awesome. I still do most all of the exercises - burpees, squats, jumps, etc. The only thing I try to avoid is the ab portion, although I still do planks, which I read are actually good during pregnancy (correct me if I am wrong). I am still spinning on occasion, but am starting to feel a little uncomfortable on the bike. Second trimester is known for round ligament pain, and I'm definitely having some painful sensations in my lower abdomen if I workout too hard. For instance, I was running the other day and had to stop because of the pain. Just trying to pay attention to my body and switch up my routine when it's called for, but overall, happy with how active I have been this pregnancy!

Diet: My diet has been pretty good. I've noticed it is a little bit harder to dictate my hunger sensations and also my satisfied sensations. What I mean by this is that I am less in-tune with how hungry my body is and how full it is.  Generally, when I'm not pregnant, I am very in tune with this aspect of my body, which makes eat easy to eat when hungry and stop when full. However, when I am pregnant, something happens - whether it is my hormones or the increased energy used by my body to grow baby - that is making it hard to read hunger signals. That being said, I think overall I am doing a great job with my diet. I am not overly strict, and allow myself to munch on things maybe that I wouldn't otherwise munch on - like the kids' gluten-free pancakes in the morning or a spoonful of almond butter during the day, but I wouldn't say that I'm going overboard. In fact, I think I have a good balance when it comes to diet. The problem for me is that when I become pregnant, the weight sticks to me like glue. So I could be eating as I would when not pregnant, and if I decide to indulge, the weight sticks. I try not to beat myself up over this, but it can become disheartening when you feel as if you are eating SO healthy, and any sort of imperfection in my diet packs on like 5 lbs. I know this is part of pregnancy, it just feels a little unnatural. I've noticed that a lot of the weight has already packed on in my thighs, but and lower back, and even my arms - a place I generally seldom carry weight. Thighs are to be expected for weight gain, but in my arms?? Come on! Anyways, I've somewhat come to terms with the fact that as long as I make healthy decisions, I am making a good decision for my body and my baby. Other than that, there is not much I can do about pregnancy weight gain. God is for sure in control of this one, and my body knows what to do to keep baby healthy. Sometimes I just wonder how some women stay so effortlessly thin while pregnant, and also lose the weight so fast during the postpartum period. And no one can sit here and tell me that it is because of diet! While I believe that a healthy diet is a HUGE reason for pregnancy and postpartum weight gain/loss, I also think that are far more other important factors that play an even bigger part. For instance, I know some girls that drop weight like crazy while breastfeeding, and others retain or even gain weight while breastfeeding. It is the weirdest conundrum, and I wish I could figure out the reasons why it happens. I have been on both sides of the situation, having lost a ton of weight while breastfeeding my first son, and then having gained weight while breastfeeding my second son. I guess we will see what happens with baby number three, although I'm not holding my breath for rapid weight loss!

Weight: 139/140 lbs. I am holding onto the 130's for dear life!! Since I hit the second trimester, I have been gaining at a steady 1 lbs per week, which is what every single doctor would recommend during pregnancy. I guess the annoying part is that given my past history with pregnancy weight gain, I generally gain the MOST in the third trimester. And sometimes in the second trimester, I even lost weight or held onto the same weight for a long period of time. For example, when I was pregnant with my second, I was 135 lbs in the second trimester until like 22 weeks or so. This time, I am already pushing 140 lbs an I'm only 19 weeks. I know I shouldn't be concerned, I know how much I gain in the final trimester of pregnancy, so I try to keep the weight underwraps until then. Maybe I will gain less in the third trimester this time around? I guess we will see? I have a theory, also, that the reason my weight held so steady in my second pregnancy is because my pregnancies were back-to-back and also because I was still breastfeeding my first son through the first several months of my pregnancy with my second son. This could have impacted by hormones, thus causing a lower weight gain in the second trimester. Just a theory :)

Baby Movement: Feeling baby move is SO exhilarating! The movement started around 17 weeks and I try to track it and feel at least some movement daily, which I have. I obviously am not at the stage where you can see the movement from the outside, but I can certainly feel the movement from the inside. This baby is active, but I can't tell how active. My next door neighbor just had her third boy and before she gave birth (they didn't know the gender), she predicted it was another boy based on how active he was, and surprise, it was another boy. Based on how active this baby is, I think it might be another boy, but I guess we shall see!

Boy or Girl: No idea at this point. Most people think a little girl is on the horizon, which would totally shock my heart. We still don't have a girl name that totally blows my mind away, but again, we do have our boy name and it does blow my mind. I remember having this vivid moment when I was at the end of my pregnancy with Rhett as I was walking to class on the Georgetown campus, about his name... on my walk it hit me in that moment what his name was going to be and it was almost like it was predestined. At that point, we loved our boy's and our girl's name, but for some reason the boy's name stuck out so vividly. I love our current boy's name so much and would love to use it - so weird. I just need to find a girl's name that I am equally excited about! I guess when you don't find out the gender of the baby, the next best thing to feeling close to your little one is knowing what his or her name will be if it comes out that gender. Knowing the boy's name almost makes me feel a little closer to the baby if it were a boy; while not having a girl's name makes it hard to fathom. Not sure if that makes sense. But, I would LOVE a little girl (especially if she looks like me haha!!). If she looks like Ryan I would be so confused!! The desire for a girl was somewhat solidified this weekend when we were at the book store and all the boys wanted to look at were superhero books or Star Wars book or fighting books or Pokemon books. In that moment, I considered how fun it would be to have a little girl who I could take over to the princess section! While I always wanted a family full of boys, sometimes there is no room left for girly stuff - although my boys do make me feel like a princess every so often :)

Belly Size: so it felt like my belly popped right at 8 weeks and since felt like it has grown. Even the other night, my husband commented on the fact that I looked pregnant in my belly! I asked him if I really looked pregnant or if he was just saying that. And he was like, wait do you want me to tell you you look pregnant. This time, I was like, yes!! I want to look pregnant! At least in my belly lol. Then literally this morning I woke up and it felt like my growing belly has somehow disappeared! Maybe the baby just switched positions on me? Honestly, I don't know how I look so not pregnant today and looked so huge yesterday. Such a weird conundrum.

Final Thoughts: Overall, I am so happy that I am pregnant with our third baby. I took the boys to the zoo this morning and as we were driving home, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by happiness. I thought, I am so lucky that I have two beautiful little boys in the back of my car and a belly full of another on the way. I am one lucky mama. I also had another thought that I can't imagine not being pregnant again, but whooaaaa, I need to stop myself way ahead of the game. I'm pretty sure that three will be plenty for the home and heart to handle.

Until next week!

​xx